Starr Struck
by crazyroninchic
Summary: Sequel to 'Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around'. A daughter of Starr makes it her mission to find a way to bring MiddleEarth out from under her mother’s spell and back to normal.
1. I'm the Normal One

Well, I'm ba-ack, and with the sequel to Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around. Hope everyone likes it! This story will be a bit more serious than its prequel, but not too much. Sorry this first chapter is so short.

Summary: A daughter of Starr makes it her mission to find a way to bring Middle-Earth out from under her mother's spell and back to normal.

Starr Struck

Chapter One: I'm the Normal One and That's Saying Something

Do you ever get the feeling that you're the only normal one?

Coming from someone who's an Elven princess of a shadowy and giant-spider-infested forest, I suppose that may not be heard too often from my kind. And yet, there's my mom and her minions.

Well, they're more like mindless followers who adore her. Actually, they worship the ground she walks on and the air she breathes.

Which is pretty amusing to watch at first, but then it gets weird.

And my father! People tell me he was a great Elf, a member of the Fellowship that saved Arda.

He just seems like a sappy pansy to me.

Even Grandfather stares at Mother in a funny way. It kinda creeps me out…

It seems like everywhere we go, people fall in love with her. Well, actually just the men. I don't really see why, she's pretty obnoxious.

The one place she doesn't get piles of invitations to visit from is Rivendell. Which stinks because I've always wanted to go there. I don't really understand it, because it was my impression that Father and Lord Elrond at least knew each other. It's very strange.

We're currently on our way to Gondor, to visit King Elessar. He has the love-struck thing going on too. Only it's with this "Celeste" woman. She's the lesser of two evils, but still pretty annoying. The one thing I do like about these visits to Minas Tirith, is visiting the jails.

That may be another strange thing to say, but there are two really cool prisoners down there. I can't even imagine what they did wrong; they seem like kind and caring people. I plan on visiting them a lot.

We reach the top of a hill, and the city looks up in front of us. I always found it breathtaking, and it must be a fantastic place to live, albeit confusing. Unlike my perfect mother and siblings, I have a terrible sense of direction. They're all fair and faultless, in an almost unnatural way. And Mother! She seems to have an unearthly glow about her sometimes.

I can't stand it anymore. During this visit, I shall reveal to them my intentions to stay in Gondor. I can get work in the castle or something. After all, I'm seventeen years old!

I'm sure they'll be happier without their rebellious and un-stunningly-beautiful daughter.

Did that make any sense? Yeah, didn't think so.

But while I'm daydreaming, we've reached the top level. There's the king awaiting our arrival in the courtyard. Oh and there's his ever-present blonde eye candy, attached to his arm.

I mumble the usual greeting and wander off. I'll leave the witty conversation to my family. I find my feet carrying me to the dungeons. Out of the blinding sunlight, I pass cells of grizzly, frightening-looking men to get to my destination. My brothers accompanied me once (they insisted I needed protection, as if I can't defend myself), but when they swaggered in like they owned the place, they were booed out and never returned. Apparently their dignity is more important than my 'safety.' As for my sisters, they are too delicate to be around such 'horrible men'. Or so they say.

After seemingly endless rows, I finally reached the last set of cells. As my footsteps echo in the dank silence, two pairs of eyes glance up and meet mine.

"Hello there, Saeriel." Greeted the blonde.

"Hello, Arwen, Eowyn."


	2. Laying It On Thick

Chapter Two: Laying It On Thick

"I've been meaning to ask you two this for a long time." I begin, hugging my knees to my chest as I sit on the hard dirt floor, facing the cell containing the two women. "Why were you…" I pause, feeling awkward. "…why were you put in here?"

Arwen smiles, somewhat bitterly. "I thought you'd never ask. We shall explain, and then we need your help."

I nod, very confused.

"It is the work of your mother." Eowyn speaks up. She then tells me a story that I have long suspected, but had no substantial proof.

"So…my father, and King Elessar…are under a spell?" I ask slowly.

Arwen nodded grimly. "As is half of Arda, namely, the men."

I feel my eyes go wide. "So they put you in here out of spite? For all this time? I'd be much angrier if I were you!"

"Well, now we've got you, and we can get our revenge." Eowyn says, an insane gleam in her eyes. "We'll find a way to break out, and then the mission can begin."

"What mission?" I ask, suddenly getting excited. The mere thought of rebellion stirs something in me I can't quite place.

Two hours later, I am in my room, going over the details of our plan in my head. Arwen and Eowyn have clearly done this before. They have already broken out and disguised themselves as peasant wives, and then applied for the positions of maids. By no small amount of luck, they managed to be assigned to me and my room. After all, newbie maids would be just fine for ME. I'll be angry about that later.

The door opens and they bustle in, looking as if they have only the intent of cleaning my room. The woman standing in the hallway and observing them with an emotionless stare gives me a small nod. I really hate when people do that, because it feels so forced, since they're obligated to.

Eowyn waves her off, mumbling something about me needing to change in private, and she proceeds to shut the door in her face.

They turn to me, looking very satisfied. I can see, however, why the head maid was suspicious. While they were very precise in their disguises, they could not cover up their pride. The way they carried themselves, the sparkle in their eyes, speaks volumes of a title once lost, but not the essence of it. I look at these two upstanding women and wonder what in Mordor my father sees in Starr.

Yet for all Mother's supposed 'intelligence', she did not even recognize them. I'm beginning to think it's all in her head. Aw, who am I kidding, I knew that all along.

"So." I start, unsure of what comes next.

"It's time." Arwen smirks.

"I thought you were gonna wait awhile, gain their trust…"

"No, no, time for you to announce your plans to remain here. Then you can tell them you're off to seek out a house in the city, and your maids will be accompanying you. That's how we get out of the castle, no questions asked." Eowyn explains.

"Right." So I'm a little slow, give me a break. I mean, just look at my mother and the people I grew up with.

Arwen lays out an outfit for me to put on under my dress. I don't have to worry about it showing, for my dress is so poofy I could hide a horse under it and no one would notice.

I make my way down the hall to throne room, lost in thought. I can't stop thinking of my near freedom. I wasn't that informed about what the mission really was—all Eowyn and Arwen said was that it was 'going to change things for the better.'

Personally, I think anything is better than lady lessons. Yes, my mother finds it necessary to teach me how to be a lady. She seems to take great pleasure in pointing out my blunders. Is it my fault if I'd rather explore the forest than drink tea? That I'd rather hang out with the servants than with the dignitaries? (The servants have much better stories) And that time I put a fake spider in Nelleleighadettekyna's bed? I was SO provoked into doing that.

And it was pretty funny.

I enter the room in time to hear Mother's voice.

"Leggie-honey, you are so witty!" she lets out a silvery laugh.

Yeah, I'm sure he's hilarious.

"What is it, child?" Legolas smiles at me, and I wish I could punch him for everything.

"Erm…" I shift uncomfortably. I could tell Mother is mentally wincing at my poor posture, but won't let it show on her face. Ordinarily I would be going to great lengths to increase her displeasure (no matter what I did, she never really got mad, which always provoked me to try harder), but now I had a job to do. "Well, I've come to tell you something…" she nods, so I continue. "I've decided that I want to live in Minas Tirith." I blurt out.

Mother looks slightly surprised. Her large-almost-to-the-degree-of-fake-looking eyes went even, if possible, wider. "Why?"

"Well, I feel that it would be easier on you, with the baby on the way." Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my mom is about to have her thirteenth child. Amazing, I know. Note the sarcasm. "And even though I am the youngest, I feel that I can do more by being here than by burdening. I'd like to go out today and look for a house on a lower level."

"Nonsense, you must stay in the castle!" Celeste says, beaming a perfect grin. Instead of dazzling me as was probably intended, it made me want to smack her.

"Many thanks, my lady, but I feel that living in a castle is too good for me. I would feel out of place."

Boy, am I laying it on thick.

It works, however, and soon the three of us are heading out of the castle.

I detail what I said to the now undisguised Arwen and Eowyn.

"That's what I said, but what I meant was, 'I'm getting the heck out of this freak show of a family and going to live in Gondor, but not in the castle because I would go insane having to be around that blonde airhead.'"

Arwen fake sniffled. "It does my heart good."

I had taken off my dress in favor of the much easier to move around in outfit underneath. It was just a simpler dress, quite like was the other two were wearing. We stashed the dress in the entrance hall in some random corner to be found when it was too late.

"So, Saeriel—" Eowyn begins.

"Wait, no." I stop her. "New name. I've always hated that one."

"Yeah, she needs an alias!" Arwen suggests.

"But what?" I ask, curious.

"Rianne?"

"No…she doesn't really look like a Rianne."

"Saerwen?"

"She's not that bitter anymore!" Arwen almost laughs at that.

"Hmmm, how bout Seiryu?"

"GREAT! Fits her perfectly."

We are soon out of Minas Tirith. I am sad to leave, but the air smells better the further I get from that castle. Smells like freedom.

"So, what exactly are we doing?" I question. It is later on, at night, and we are gathered around a campfire.

"Um, cooking dinner?" Eowyn offers.

"No, on this mission."

"Ah. Well, we're on a mission to break the enchantment."

"Pardon?"

"The enchantments of Starr."

"Ohhhhhh….how?"

"That's what we have yet to figure out." Arwen sighs.

I can't help but feel slightly deflated. I had hoped there would be some exciting plan. I want things back to the way they were. I want to know my real father, not the one under a spell. My silly bint of a mother ruined everything!

"Well, I agree with you on that," Eowyn grins. Whoops. Didn't mean to say that last sentence out loud.

"Anyway, I figure we should go to Rivendell."

I perk up. That should be fun!

"Thanks to Ada's power, the influence of the Sues cannot enter there. Of course, once he leaves for the Undying Lands, Rivendell too will be lost to their charms."

"The Sues?" What in the world are they? I thought we were getting rid of Mother and Celeste.

"Oh, sorry, Starr and Celeste. They're Mary Sues."

"Right." Well, that explains a lot.


	3. Elf Lords Are Scary

Chapter Three: Elf Lords Are Scary

"Welcome Arwen!" Elrond spread his arms wide and embraced his daughter warmly.

"Ada! You are extremely cheerful! Almost scarily so!"

"Well, I just got the papers—I have officially disowned Celeste. She is no longer my daughter. I don't know what I was thinking, but I'm glad that passed! I'm just happy to see my REAL daughter!"

Arwen beamed, also looking somewhat relieved.

"Ah, and Lady Eowyn, always good to see you! Why have you not visited earlier?"

"They had us locked up." Arwen replied nonchalantly.

Elrond looked slightly taken aback, but then he noticed me. "Oh, and who is this?"

I suddenly got really nervous. This was the most important and powerful person I've met, and I couldn't help but feel intimidated, for he actually seemed to have his wits about him because he wasn't love struck like pretty much everyone else.

"This is Starr's daughter." Eowyn replied.

Elrond sort of shrank back all of a sudden. It was like he was afraid of ME, and not vice versa.

"Peace Ada, she is not like her mother. She is going to help us."

"Forgive me," Elrond replied, relaxing. "It is a pleasure to meet you."

I bowed stiffly, still edgy. "The pleasure is all mine."

We headed out to the gardens to talk. I refrained from wondering aloud why the gardens would be a better place to converse instead of, say, a council room. But once I saw the garden I changed my mind—it was amazing.

"A-aCHOO!"

Elrond jumped back, startled. "My goodness, are you alright?"

"Yeah, it's just flowers make my nose stuffy." I answered, appalled at how childish that sounded.

"Well, if you can get sick, your mother obviously isn't full Elf. But I've been researching, and I think I know how to bring her down."

Arwen, Eowyn, and I simultaneously stepped closer with looks of glee on our faces.

"Sues get their power from their… 'fans'. But when they aren't around, their hold on them is weaker, easier to break. I propose that if you three travel around the lands and charm the people of them, Starr will begin to lose her powers. And Celeste is just an underling and will follow thus."

Charm? Not one of my strong suites. I could see Arwen and Eowyn doing it, but not me.

I pointed this out, quite blatantly.

"I don't charm."

Elrond laughed. "Well, my dear, that is where you're wrong. You are key to this mission."

I raised my eyebrows. I must have looked pretty dubious, because he continued.

"You are the opposite of your mother. That may be just what the healer order for these Starr-struck masses."

I had to laugh. Starr-struck. I know, I shouldn't be able to detect that extra 'r', but I just could.

"So where should we go first?"

"I'd say leave Rohan for last, maybe the Shire first? You can skip over Mordor, there isn't exactly much left. If you are successful, once you get back to Gondor, all you'll have to do is watch as she crashes and burns."

I really like the sound of that. And no, I don't feel any affection towards my mother.

I wish I could have stayed there forever, but next thing I knew, we were off to the Shire.

"I hear it's a very nice place," Eowyn mused.

"Alright," Arwen said, adopting a businesslike tone. "We have to go to the Shire, Mirkwood, Lothlorien, Rohan, and Moria."

"Moria!" I choked. "No offense, but somehow I don't see us charming any orcs!"

Arwen looked thoughtful. "No, I suppose not."

I breathed an inward sigh of relief. I really didn't want to have to go there. From what I heard, it wasn't exactly a pleasant place.


	4. Creepy Hobbit Obsession

Chapter Four: Creepy Hobbit Obsession

What do you know, the Shire IS a nice place!

I mean, I'm sure it WOULD be, without all the 'I love Starr' posters. That kinda puts a damper on the quaint appeal. We arrived at night, and secretly removed half of them to make our campfire. Ah, how toasty that fire felt!

The next morning, I was sent to infiltrate Bag End. Of course it was me. Gah, I am going to be irrevocably scarred. When I informed Eowyn of this, she shrugged and said, "Join the club."

I knocked on the round door. I suppose if you eat that many meals a day, you would need a round door.

"Hello? Starr, is that you?" came a hopeful voice from within.

I rolled my eyes. "No. It's her daughter." I called, careful to keep the sarcasm out of my voice.

The door opened and a blue-eyed hobbit peeked out. He seemed relieved to find that I was tall and not hobbity. I don't even want to know how many people my mom has shagged. And here come the disgusting mental images. Frodo just seems so much…better…than that. Call me weird, but I had previously liked to think that beings who destroy evil rings and save the world would be above this sort of thing…

"Come on in! How's your mother? I haven't seen you visit before."

"No, I'm the youngest." I said, taking on a polite and slightly-strained smile. "I don't get out much." Because I have THIS to put up with. Honestly! Everyone in Arda is acting like hormonal adolescents.

"Welcome! You can stay as long as you like." Frodo beamed.

"Uh, thanks." That was not one of my options. Ever.

I had to figure out how exactly I was going to do this. I don't exactly have cartloads of experience in talking people out of love-trances induced by the overly-perfect. I'm pretty sure not too many people can boast about that kind of know-how. He had a strange glaze to his eye that I noticed in my father and grandfather's, and it was creeping me out.

So I just started to randomly question him. Maybe I could make him hate Starr. That could work. Or so I attempted to convince myself…poorly.

"So, when was the last time my mom visited?"

He looked troubled. "Not for a while, actually."

"Oh," I winced, pretending to think that this was in any way a bad thing. "Do you feel like she's forgotten about you?"

He blinked. "Yeah…kind of."

I grinned to myself. This was too easy. "I was actually surprised she visited at all, she hardly mentioned you."

His brow furrowed, and I felt kinda bad. "She seemed to enjoyed herself immensely, I figured I would be a household name in Mirkwood…"

I tried to refrain from gagging. My mom had some problems, corrupting innocent Hobbits like this! It just wasn't right. As guilty as Starr is, I never expected to hear anything like this from FRODO. I may never be able to look him in the face again…

He looked up. "Did she at least mention the Shire?"

"The where?" I lied through my teeth.

That seemed to do it. His eyes grew less clouded and he seemed to be really seeing me for the first time. I decided to keep going.

"Oh, yeah, this place. I think she was trying to convince King Elessar to buy it, level it, and build her a gigantic monument in its place."

That certainly had the effect I wanted. He snapped to attention, blue eyes clear and panicked. He looked absolutely horrified. It was a refreshing change from the usual slightly-bewildered-and-angsty look. Eru, I am vicious today. Though, it was pretty funny.

I held up my hands. "That was a lie, I had to snap you out of it!" I didn't need him have a heart attack because of me.

He clutched his head. "What happened?"

"My mother had you under her spell." I then explained our quest to him.

Just as I finished, there was a sudden rap on the door. In came another Hobbit, who I presumed to be Sam.

"What is it, Merry?"

Nope, guess I was wrong. Hey, curly hair, hairy feet, short—they all look the same to me.

Then again, I was never very observant.

"Why was I feeling very strongly towards Starr just now? I wasn't hungry, so I got worried. Then I snapped out of it." Merry

I sighed, at least the Shire folk were back to normal. But how many people was I going to have to explain this to? I gave him the generic 'my mom's a freaky witch who put a spell on you' explanation.

He took it rather well. Sort of.

Of course, then he and Frodo DID start a near riot, but at least they roused the Hobbits of the Shire against Starr (I refuse to call her mother anymore. I know, oooo, a rebel). They were all gathered in the streets with flaming pitchforks.

Well, actually, that was only one Hobbit, and he was quickly sedated.

But I really don't know what he was planning to do. March to Gondor and light it on fire? It was made of STONE. And Legolas would probably throw himself off the battlements if anything happened to his dear wife. Before I left, I noticed he had taken to calling her his 'precious.'

That reminds me of something, but I just can't remember what…

I just started walking away…frankly, he was scaring me a little. Arwen and Eowyn fell into step on either side of me, grinning like nobody's business.

"One down," Arwen mused.

"Three to go!" Eowyn finished. I personally felt they were being far too optimistic.

"I highly doubt it's going to be that easy both times." I pointed out. Their faces fell slightly. Aha, spread the joy, I'm a regular ray of sunshine.

It's a sad, sad day when I'M the voice of reason. I'm not known for being particularly reasonable.

We continued on in silence. Awkward silence. Then Arwen spoke up.

"Do you suppose Starr has yet realized that she was tricked?"

"Probably." I sighed. "She may be an idiot, but she'd realize it by NOW. It's been, what? A couple weeks?" I don't keep tracking when we're riding, I'm too busy complaining.

In Minas Tirith…

Starr slammed her brush down on the bureau. Celeste hurried over, looking worried.

"I don't know what's happening!" Starr raged, still managing to look 'beautiful'. "My daughter's gone and suddenly I can't sing anymore! Why has my melodious voice forsaken me?"

Celeste motioned frantically.

"Don't tell me you've lost your voice completely!"

Celeste nodded.

"Well, this sucks."

"And Arrwn and Eowny escaped from prison!...I bet they kidnapped Saeriel!" Starr said, looking indignant. "…Oh well, she was a pain, anyway."


	5. Extra Spider Repellent

Chapter Five: Extra Spider Repellent

I groaned when I realized where we were headed next. Mirkwood. Joy.

I mean, it was a great place, but going there reminded me of my family, and that's a memory I wouldn't force on my greatest enemy.

Who, come to think of it, is part of my family. Starr. Blech. There's no escape. Maybe I can secede from them.

But I mean, c'mon, Mirkwood is a perfectly delightful place. Who doesn't like giant Elf-eating spiders, dark forests paths, and seemingly-never-ending walking?

I really had doubts about finishing this quest. The Shire was just a warm up, for the Hobbit's were only under the spell because Frodo was. I just convinced him and bam! The others were back to normal. Well, as normal as they can be after shagging Starr. Everywhere else, we'll have to convince ALL of the people. As in, groups and groups of people. Who loved Starr. There's a sick little club I would prefer not to meet.

"Can I leave the group speaking to you two?" I mumbled nervously, falling back on one of my usual phobias. And believe me, there are PLENTY. Eowyn laughed.

"Do not fear, Seiryu."

She didn't really answer me, and I didn't like the sound of that…Sneaky Eowyn. I will have to request to be tutored in the art of shrewdness, so I'm not QUITE so obvious. And oblivious. That would be nice.

"OY! Where do you think you're goin'!" a voice rang out.

We turned to see a brown-haired female Hobbit come inexplicably bouncing over.

"Um, Mirkwood?" Eowyn offered, obviously not seeing why she had to explain herself to someone she could easily step on and squish into a Hobbit-pancake.

She beamed. "Can I come?" Crazy, crazy Hobbit girl. Too much pipeweed, that's my theory. And not the medicinal kind. I cannot possibly imagine any other feasible reason this girl has for coming with us.

Arwen looked dubious. I must have too, but apparently I'm the one who looks to be the most easily-persuaded and naturally-weak-minded, so she turned to me.

"Pleeeeeeeeeease? I'm very hardy and I can cook and carry heavy stuff and—"

"FINE YOU CAN COME!" we chorused in unison, to make her shut up.

She smiled brilliantly. Disturbing. She is far too cheerful. "The name's Belgaer. No need to tell me your names, I heard all about you from Pippin!"

"Remind me to be angry at him for that later." Arwen mumbled.

"Say what?"

"Nothing, nothing."

"Are you SURE you want to go?" I asked, not really sure if I wanted to put up with her. "With the spiders and all?" Note my lack of sneakiness. I'm just not a naturally manipulative person.

"I brought extra spider repellant." She grinned.

Oh, I'm sure you did. She's a funny one.

I continued anyway as we headed out of the Shire, for the sake of being annoying, more than anything. I pretty much expected only more 'witty' comebacks. "Are you good in front of crowds?"

"I like to think so…"

Now it was my turn to grin. And I did so. Devilishly. "Excellent."

"Now, Seiryu…" Eowyn warned. I just grabbed Belgaer's hand and ran off, laughing. Oh ho ho, I found a loophole in their mean little public humiliation idea. They would say they are only trying to improve my confidence. See? Sneaky. I so need lessons from them. Much more useful than Starr's stupid lady lessons.

That night we were huddled around the campfire, for it had gotten quite cold. I was starting to regret this. No, it wasn't Belgaer's constant chattering—that kinda grows on you after a while. I just didn't feel like freezing off several of my extremities. Wouldn't exactly be a particularly DIGNIFIED return to Minas Tirith now, would it?

Arwen wasn't bothered at all, and I really shouldn't be, since I'm also a half-Elf. I think. Never was really clear how Starr managed to become an Elf. Something about a pixy or a fairy. I swear to Varda if I ever find out who was responsible, I will personally hunt them down and asphyxiate them. There's no living with her and her 'holier-Elf-than-thou' attitude. She's waaaay too perfect. It's sickening. And it's really got to stop.

But, back on track…Eowyn's just so strong that a little thing like weather doesn't bother her. Either that, or she's really, really good at pretending to be warm. Belgaer's exerting so much heat from her mouth, that's probably why she isn't cold. I scoot closer to her. Seriously, I joke about her, but she's a perfectly likable person. I've just never been known for my people skills. I tend to opt towards sarcasm, but if you didn't know that by now, you really need to invest in an education.

We were still a way from Mirkwood. I wondered at the odds of being attacked by a spider before we got to the palace. It would certainly beat making a speech. I wonder how easily I could lure them off the path. Well, no, I wouldn't want to be responsible for the others' untimely and most likely messy deaths. Maybe I could wander off on my own.

As if sensing my sentiments, Arwen gave me a look across the campfire that clearly said, 'Don't you dare.' Oh well, that plan's out the window. Maybe if I fall asleep in this cold, I'll just never wake up…

Though, for all my hating-of-the-speaking-in-front-of-crowds, I have to admit, I am slightly curious as to what my grandfather is REALLY like.

I come back to reality to find Belgaer staring at me. Arwen and Eowyn had gone off, probably for more firewood. I would be worried that the Hobbit killed them and disposed of the bodies, if I had even the slightest suspicion that she was capable of it.

"What?" I asked, sounding more irritated than I intended.

She paused, slightly taken aback. Either that, or for dramatic effect. The look on her face made me expect something profound or at least insightful. I leaned forward slightly, interested.

"….I'm hungry."

I fell over backwards and just stayed there. It didn't seem worth it to get up. Belgaer laid down next to me and we stared at the stars.

"What's it like to be a lady and royalty?" she questioned softly.

"Terrible."

She turned to me, wide-eyed. "Are you kidding? It must beat being a commoner!"

"Well, I wouldn't know." I pointed out.

She was silent for a second. "Well, I would suggest a switcheroo, if there wasn't a two foot difference in our heights."

I had to laugh. "Well, the people of Gondor are so star-struck they'd probably never notice."

Arwen and Eowyn chose this moment to reappear, arms laden with branches.

"Oh, that's wonderful." Arwen said sarcastically. "Let's get dirty before appearing in public."


	6. Therapy!

I'm sorry to those who think this isn't as funny, but it isn't supposed to be, so stop depressing me! (sniff)

Chapter Six: Therapy!

The tall blonde Elf straightened her dress as she sat down in her office. Numerous parchments and pens littered the surface of her desk. The room was bright and sunny yet with the new arrival, it seemed almost to have darkened considerably. The young Elf dismissed this as impossible and faced the person who had just entered. She found herself staring at the Elf prince Legolas, and was quite taken aback to see the look of pain on his face.

"Mae govannen." He mumbled in a slightly broken voice. "I've got a problem."

She blinked. "Yes, that is clear. But that is also what I'm here for." She tapped the sign on the desk that read 'therapist.'

"I have to get back soon before…SHE…realizes I'm gone…"

"Who is she?" the elleth questioned.

"I don't know where she came from…" Legolas began. "All I know is, I find myself head over heels in love with her, this girl. She is so unnatural. She was a human, then she became an Elf. Her hair changes color, for Varda's sake! So do her eyes."

"Mmhm," murmured the therapist, taking notes with a disturbed look on her face.

"I find myself in fog, and then blacking out for long moments at a time, and waking up to find I've done something. One time I woke up, I was MARRIED to her! Before I knew it, I had twelve kids! They aren't right, I tell you, something is wrong with them. Except one of them—there's one relatively normal one. I don't remember what happened to her…But King Elessar is under the spell of another, who isn't as bad…she is the queen, yet I have a feeling someone else was meant to be so…"

"Arwen Undomiel?" offered the therapist.

"Is that it?" Legolas puzzled. "I can't really think too well anymore. She's messing up my thoughts. I'm starting to call myself Legolas 'Greenleaf'. What is that!"

"A travesty." The therapist agreed, nodding.

"This girl…she says she's the long lost sister of Aragorn, and she followed the Fellowship. I…can't remember much that happened…just some…mindless, platonic shagging…and I now have a phobia of the color pink…What is HAPPENING to me!" Legolas exclaimed.

"You've got Sueneosis." The elleth stated simply. "It's a good thing Lord Elrond had the foresight to see that having a therapist in Minas Tirith would be a good idea. I received word from him that your daughter is on a quest to fix this, so hold on as long as you can."

Legolas smiled weakly, but then stiffened, and his eyes took on a glazed look. "What am I doing here? Where's Starr? Melamin?" he wandered out of the room, and the elleth shook her head sadly.

There was another knock on the door and she looked up to see Gimli standing there. "Gimli, son of Gloin, I did not realize you were here."

"No one does." Gimli mumbled. "It's as if I'm invisible! I don't think anyone even realizes I was part of the Fellowship! No, not with the other eyecandy that was part of it."

She explained the cause of his problem, and stopped him from sharpening his axe and going after Starr himself. "She cannot be killed, only cut off at the source."

The dwarf stalked out angrily, and in walked a little hobbit.

"Frodo Baggins!"

"I…need help."

"Yes, well that is obvious. Sit down."

"I carried the Ring to Mordor. I dealt with orc armies, a giant spider, a huge volcano, and the burden of the Ring. And yet this simple wench can put me under a spell and make me feel the weakest I've ever felt. I haven't been this close to giving up even whilst on the quest! And poor Merry has an inferiority complex (if there's even such a thing) and believes himself to be destined to be the token 'other hobbit' to Pippin."

The therapist sighed. This was going to be a LONG day.


	7. Evil Plotting Genius Hobbit

Correction to what I said last time—it IS supposed to be funny, just not like NLFLA. And it probably won't be as long as NLFLA, unless I'm hit with a burst of inspiration (a rare occurrence).

Chapter Seven: Evil Plotter Extraordinaire

Almost out of the forest. Almost. ALMOST. Alllllmost. Almoooooooost. Okay, maybe not 'almost.' Manwe give me strength; does this path ever END! It's just trees, trees, and more—you guessed it—trees!

"This is taking forever." Belgaer said suddenly, voicing what all of us were thinking.

Ten minutes later, we find ourselves before Thranduil.

"Who is it?" he asked blearily.

He looks so dazed I really can't imagine it's very easy for him to see. So I'm not really offended. Too much.

"It is I, your granddaughter Saeriel." Gah, I hate that name. Demon name. Grr.

His eyebrows furrow in thought. Clearly I'm not exactly one of his top-ranking and most-memorable grandchildren.

Hmmm, awkward.

Belgaer shoots me a sympathetic look, and I return it with one as if to say that I get this a lot. Which I do. All the time. I can usually predict what happens. Once he finally realizes who I am, there will be the ever present question…

"Ah, yes, Searel. How is your mother?"

Yeah, I get THAT a lot too.

"Uh…good." Annoyingly so.

"Is there a reason for your visit, Sairieal?" Is that even a name?

Arwen, Eowyn, and I look at each other, at a loss. We hadn't really established a plan. As familiar as I was with these woods, I had assumed we had still had another fifty or so shadowy-trees-that-all-look-the-same before reaching the palace.

So what if I've lived here all my life? Once you've seen a good deal of trees, they all start to look the same.

Yes, that is my pathetic excuse. Don't laugh.

"Well," Belgaer says, stepping forward. "We wished to hold a banquet with everyone in Mirkwood invited, so that we may sing the praises of the lovely Lady Starr."

"That sounds magnificent. And who are you?"

"I am Lady Saeriel's servant, My Lord." Belgaer replies smoothly. I bet she would have bowed if she thought Thranduil was paying more than the absolute minimum attention to her.

She's a lot smarter than I previously supposed. It was a good idea to mention Starr's name. That would catch his attention and keep it. She's also pretty sneaky. What IS it with the sneaking of everyone but me! I'm starting to feel left out of the Sneak Club.

It is becoming PAINFULLY obvious that I did not get enough sleep last night.

So, he agreed. A chance to ramble on about how great Starr is? Yeah, I didn't doubt that he would. For a mindless love-zombie, that's like heaven! That'll be a lot of fun. For him, maybe.

"Great." I mutter as we exit the hall. "Tomorrow is the Day I Go Mad and Seriously Consider Hanging Myself From the Battlements."

Belgaer is just smiling, like it's all going according to plan. "It's all going according to plan."

"What plan?" Eowyn questions, clearly having as little of an idea of what was going on as Arwen and I.

"My plan. I'm Belgaer, evil plotter extraordinaire."

"Funny, I didn't see that on the resume." I whispered. It was kind of funny she didn't find it necessary to clue us in on the plan.

A slightly comatose servant led us to our substandard rooms. Arwen and Eowyn were happy to be keeping a low-profile right up to the banquet and Belgaer was just happy to be near the kitchens. Me?

Well, I wasn't too happy when I saw that first rat scamper by, but I got used to it.

I'm kidding. The rooms weren't THAT bad. There weren't rats.

They were cockroaches. Ever since then, I've developed an aversion to cockroaches. I've always had a feeling that it would come back to haunt me one day…

* * *

It's about twenty minutes to the banquet time. Outside I can here the conversations of the Elves of the kingdom. Thranduil had invited them ALL. I attempted to count the number of times I heard Starr's name.

I lost count after five hundred.

"So…" Arwen began. "I still don't know what we're saying…"

I rounded on her. "WHAT?" Could this day get any worse?

Eowyn smirked. "Contrary to what you may or may not believe, we are not perfect (like your mother) and occasionally have no idea what's going on."

"Well, you sure hide it a lot better than I do." I huffed.

"Anyway. The plan is—" Belgaer breaks off as all of us turn and face her with our complete attention. She looked slightly flustered.

I grabbed her shoulders. "NO! DON'T YOU DARE WIMP OUT ON ME! YOU HAVE TO BE COMFORTABLE SPEAKING IN FRONT OF PEOPLE!"

"It's not like I'm exactly USED to it!" she said, back to her normal self. "I'm just a young Hobbit girl and you haven't exactly taken me seriously so far."

"Give me a reason to." I growled, suddenly on the defensive. Belgaer looked slightly worried. I guess I'm scarier than I thought. That could come in handy later. If Nellekeighdettalina ever tries to give me a manicure while I'm sleeping again, she'll wake up with a lot more than a fake spider in her bed.

"This is shaping out to be quite dramatic." Arwen murmured to Eowyn. I glared at her.


	8. Her One Weakness

Okay, school's starting tomorrow, so I thought I'd get one chapter up beforehand. Sorry if updates slow, but my sched has gotten considerably busier.

Chapter Eight: Her One Weakness

By the time we get to the banquet hall, I'm grinning like nobody's business. Our young Hobbity friend and I have made up and she informed us of the plan. Oh ho, it is GOOD. Starr's one weakness. This is going to be the best day of my life. (Please ignore my previous ranting about this day being terrible. I had been lacking the privilege of the knowledge of this devious plan).

We commence the feasting and general gorging of ourselves. It IS nice to be able to eat as much as I'd like. Usually Starr would limit us to just what was necessary to survive. Not that we were poor, no! We were a royal family! She was just afraid of calories. Whatever they are. She was never really clear on that…

I stood up at a podium in front of the crowd. Arwen got their attention by introducing me as 'Starr's daughter', with a great emphasis on 'Starr.' It was like the only way to get their attention was shiny objects, food, or a certain name that doesn't bear repeating.

I cleared my throat as if I was about to speak. That was the signal. Behind me, Eowyn discreetly cut a cord, and that caused a large scroll to unveil on the wall behind the podium.

There was a great simultaneous gasp.

My mother's one weakness—when she gets out of the bath. In the picture on the scroll, there was Starr (fully dressed, mind you, gutter-heads), five minutes after bathing. It was the strangest thing. For a good ten minutes after getting out of the bath, she is horribly ugly. It's like the Sue is washed away and takes a bit to get back. I knew it wasn't possible for someone to be so perfect ALL the time.

Everyone is staring in horrified curiosity at the giant picture, an Eowyn original. Who knew she could paint so well.

For all they knew, we could have just completely made that up. But, strangely enough, it was working. There was the general moan of hundreds of Elves coming out of trances with the symptoms of someone waking up after having too much to drink the night before.

Thranduil must have had a particularly menacing head ache, for he nearly fell off his throne, clutching his head. I felt kind of bad for him, yet I was still smarting slightly from the fact that he probably still doesn't know who I am, so I will admit that it was pretty funny.

"What…is…the meaning…of this?" he moaned.

I smiled, suddenly confident, seeing what I had to do. "My Lord, I am your granddaughter Seiryu. Your son, Legolas, has been put under the bewitchment of an evil, evil witch, along with most of Arda. We have already cured the Shire, and are traveling around to free everyone of this spell." Go us.

For someone who just found out his son is hexed and he has an adolescent granddaughter, he was relatively calm.

Of course, once I told him he had eleven—soon to be twelve—other grandchildren, he was ready to storm Minas Tirith and "bring the seductive wench down."

He said it, not me.

I swear, it was most interesting to watch such a dignified Elf lord stomp around his halls, muttering about 'limitless-fertility' and swearing in Elvish. And Dwarfish, I might add. Starr's ears would bleed if she heard this kind of language. I have a sneaking suspicion that there was also some Black Speech mixed in there. Or maybe the head ache was just from the sheer volume of the enraged Thranduil. That banquet cleared out pretty fast.

"My Lord, please calm down…" Arwen soothed.

He turned to her, as if noticing her for the first time. "No, Lady Arwen, it is you who must get angry! Daughter of Elrond, Lord of Rivendell, and they LOCKED YOU UP? And Eowyn, you are sister to the king of Rohan!"

Both of them looked very strained, since they realized this and were trying very hard not to lose their tempers.

"Do you require aid from Mirkwood?" he asked suddenly and quite randomly.

We all glance up at him. "Pardon?" I blink.

"I want my son back." He said, by means of explanation. Perfectly understandable. I want my sanity back, but that's seriously looking to be not an option.

"Well, I think we're okay. It doesn't take much, though we could use some supplies." Eowyn said. In other words, we don't need fifty Elven troops marching after us. That wouldn't exactly be low key. At all.

"I just hired a new servant. I'll have her pack you up some. As a matter of fact, I'll send her along with you. Although, she can be a little…strange…"

We really didn't know what to say to that. She must be pretty bad if he's forcing her onto the first people who come to visit.

"Oh, Browne!"

An elleth with dirty blonde hair entered the room and bowed. Thranduil gave her the instructions and she accompanied us back to our room. We passed the courtyard and the hundred or so Elves there gave us a rousing chorus of 'thank yous.'

I guess being under a spell makes you feel as pathetic as it makes you look…They must have been practicing. I don't know how they managed it simultaneously…maybe they had a lookout.

They have way too much time on their hands.

I can hear Browne's voice, but really wasn't paying attention. Eowyn nudges me suddenly.

"Huh?" I blinked, and saw that Browne is staring at me.

"I said, are you sure you don't mind me coming along?"

"Oh, no,…not at all…The more the…merrier."

"If you can call it that…" Arwen sighed.

"You know…" Belgaer mused, sizing up Browne. "You really don't seem like the type to apply for the position of servant." Oh, that's nice.

She's got a point, though. This elleth was…different…to put it briefly. And politely.

"Nope." She grinned evilly. "I was just waiting for an opportunity like this to come along. Sue slaying is my specialty."

Valar! Why am I the only one who had never previously heard of such a thing as a Mary-Sue! Though, to be perfectly honest, I was much happier before I knew there were others like my mother out there. Seiryu World was a much happier place before I learned this.

"Oh! I forgot to tell you!" Browne started suddenly. "Two things: Some people by the name of Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin will be meeting us in Gondor once we are finished with our mission. And two, word came from Minas Tirith that Celeste has tragically lost her voice and Starr can no longer sing….The hysterically-sobbing messenger was then smacked back to his senses. That works too."

"It's just as I expected…" Arwen smiled, looking rather scary. I really can't guessed what she's thinking, for I wasn't blessed with mind-reading capabilities. It would be nice, though. I couldn't have practiced on my mother, though. What mind?


	9. Heading For Lorien Sorta

I'm really sorry that this is so short, but I have loads of homework, so I can't write too much. But I felt bad about taking so long to update, so…ta da.

Chapter Nine: Heading For Lorien

"Hey, tell me something." I said, turning to Eowyn as we headed out of the forest. "If Rivendell was safe from the spell because of Elrond's power, wouldn't Lothlorien also be?" I mean, it just makes sense, and I'm surprised no one else has thought of it.

Eowyn blinked, like this was the first time this had occurred to her. "That's…true…Arwen?"

"Don't ask me. It's just simpler to shrug and accept it."

Belgaer is nodding like this makes perfect sense. Browne and I glance at each other with dubious looks on our faces. I think we're going to get along just fine…

"So…" Browne turned to me. "Where are we going again?"

I glance at her. "Lorien."

"Nice." She sighed. "This would be so much easier with my fell beast carrying us instead of these horses."

I stare at her incredulously. "You have a fell beast!" I exclaim. The other three, who previously weren't paying attention, looked over at us in surprise.

"Well, not YET." She says, as if this is the most obvious thing in the world. "But someday…" she got a far off look in her eyes.

Meanwhile, in Gondor…

"This, lyke, so sucks!" Starr wailed, storming down the halls in a flutter of neon pink skirts.

In her great agitation (or stupidity), she nearly ran into the recently-muted Celeste. She had a look on her face that clearly said 'duh.' Not the 'oh-that-should-have-been-obvious-you-moron-duh', but the 'hey-I'm-a-brainless-idiot-duh'.

"Lyke, that spell faeire cast 2 make us sound smartt iz gone!" Starr exclaimed oh-so brilliantly.

Celeste just blinked. Slowly.

"Leggi will get suspi…supsricious…suspeicious…he'll wonder whut happned! I can't lose him!1"

Another blink.

"I'd try 2 guess who did it butt now I'm—"

"Dumber than a rock and with even less personality." came word from a breathless maid from Minas Tirith. Apparently many servants had fled, for Aragorn and Legolas had convinced themselves that someone had snuck into Starr and Celeste's rooms and clonked them over the head with a blunt object, thus giving them brain damage.

I raised my eyebrows at this. If they had brains to damage, I SUPPOSE this could be a plausible excuse.

"Well, that's good, isn't it?" Browne said aloud, as the handmaiden was led away to rest after dealing with the horror that is two dignified lords weeping over the disappearance of their "luv's" intelligence that I'm pretty sure was never there to start with.

"It seems that with every location we free, a quality of theirs disappears," Belgaer said with a satisfied smirk.

"Yes, it means their charm is slowly fading." Arwen nodded, then frowned. "But it is not good that Aragorn and Legolas keep excusing these changes. The Sues hold over them is still very strong." I really am starting to admire my Ada. If he can put up with her even after she loses her so-called perfection, he is a very nice and tolerant guy, spell or no spell. You gotta give him and King Elessar credit.

"So we just work faster!" Eowyn said.

I highly doubted that was a possibility. We hadn't even left Mirkwood yet! Few steps out and this ashen-faced maid nearly barreled over us in her hurry to reach the king.


	10. Gimli is Our Hero

Chapter Ten: Gimli is Our Hero

"Life is good." I smiled.

Eowyn looked up with a puzzled expression from the dinner she was cooking over the fire. "What?"

"I'm just picturing my father mentally breaking down."

"That's horrible."

"But funny."

She hesitated, then grinned.

"I suppose that I can't argue with that."

I stood up to stretch, and screamed when I found Browne's face upside down and in front of me. She was hanging from a tree branch with her legs hooked around it. I stumbled back and bumped my head against the tree trunk, and saw stars in front of my eyes. I muttered some curses at her, by since my brain was all foggy, I'm sure they came out jumbled. But I got the point across, and she smiled apologetically.

"Soooo, what's the game plan?" she asked. Her face was turning pink from all the blood rushing to it. I kindly pointed this out and she flipped down out of the tree, nearly giving me another heart attack. I liked to climb trees too, but I'd break my neck trying a stunt like that. It was fun to scare the daylights out of my sisters by dropping down in front of them, though.

"Well, after Lorien, we'll only have Mirkwood left, then we head back for Minas Tirith and watch the fireworks." Arwen said with a slightly vicious grin.

"Looking forward to winning back your man?" Belgaer grinned.

Arwen looked a little ill. "Not too sure, since he's been with that…thing. Eru knows where she's BEEN."

Eowyn laughed slightly, until she remembered she had the same problem with her beloved.

"Good luck finding someone who HASN'T." I shuddered. The really sad thing is that I wasn't exaggerating.

"I am excited to get back to Gondor, though. Most of the Fellowship will be there." Eowyn said. "The Hobbits will be there about the time we will, and I believe Gimli is there as well."

"I feel bad for him, he doesn't get any recognition." Arwen sighed. "But that one time, when Starr woke up with half her hair chopped off? I'm willing to bet that was him."

I sighed happily at the memory of Starr's harpy shrieks echoing throughout the castle. I bet Arwen and Eowyn could've heard them in the dungeons. Starr didn't break just a few windows that morning.

"Remind me I owe that Dwarf a hug." I smiled.

"He's my hero for that." Belgaer beamed.

"Lorien's going be difficult, though." Arwen mused. "I'm predicting we'll be there for several days, if not weeks."

"Why?" Belgaer asked.

"It turns out that Galadriel found out that Celeborn was…" Arwen hesitated. "…with Starr. She's inconsolable. People have been starting to call her a witch, because when people go in, they don't come out. She isn't under Starr's spell but everyone else is, she her name is mud to them."

"That's horrible!" I gasped. "Isn't she your grandmother?"

Arwen nodded. "Both she and my Ada are going to have some choice words with Aragorn once he comes around…"

Browne laughed. "But he really can't help it, can he?"

"No…I suppose not. But I'm still going to have to smack him around a bit."

I giggled at the image of Arwen smacking King Elessar around Minas Tirith.

"What I'm wondering is, how are you like you are?" Browne questioned, looking at me. "I mean, you told us all your siblings are like your mother. But why are you different?"

"I probably had a different father, knowing Starr." I rolled my eyes. "I'd guess Gimli if I thought there was a possibility that my mother was into dwarf-lovin. But that I highly doubt. Highly."

The next day we were walking again. We walked and walked and walked. And then for a change, we WALKED some more. My feet were killing me, and I was bored out of my mind. That could explain the singing.

Yes, singing. Some rowdy tavern song a young, impressionable lady like me could hear through the open window of my considerably-smaller-than-my-other-siblings room. Starr would go into conniptions if she heard me. And Browne and Belgaer too. Arwen and Eowyn were a little too dignified for that, but they were laughing through the whole thing. But singing was the one thing I got from my mother—I love it. I'm not the best, but I get by.

Of course, we just happened to have been passing through a particularly dangerous area, where several bands of orcs still roamed, and we three singers didn't know better; Arwen and Eowyn were too incapable with laughter to notice.

Our song was quite effectively cut off by an arrow burying itself in the ground in front of Belgaer. Arwen whipped out a bow and began taking out orcs, while Eowyn unsheathed a big and scary sword. I learned that despite what Starr claimed, Eowyn really had defeated the Witch King—Starr had just pushed her out of the way and struck a victorious pose on top of the fell beast's carcass. What a twit. Eowyn did get her revenge by 'accidentally' knocking her into a particularly gruesome puddle of blood and guts though. Oh, to have seen THAT!

But that is completely off-topic.

We leapt to action, and I surprisingly find rhythm in the battle. Browne's twirling and twisting around with twin daggers, very fluidly. She was obviously well-trained in the art of fighting. Arwen and Eowyn are having no problems, of course. In fact, they seem to be enjoying it! They get that from their brothers, I'm guessing. Belgaer has a small sword that she is gleefully cutting down orcs with.

I swear, they're all crazy.

Me? I've got a spear-like thing, because I like to swing it around and knock out the orcs. I'm not too bad, which explains why I'm still alive. But it gets tiring, and by the time all the orcs are killed, my arms are like lead.

We survey the carnage, and it isn't pretty. I'm glad we hadn't eaten before this, because the blood was bad enough, I didn't feel like adding my puke to it. Blech.

"So…" Belgaer said, looking around. "When's breakfast?"

Please tell me she's kidding.

Nope, no such luck.

I think I'm going to have to pass on breakfast, until I get my appetite back. That should be in, oh…

Ten years?


	11. Sweet Valar We Are Going To Die

Again, I'm really sorry it's so short. But guess what? I got my permit!

Chapter Eleven: Sweet Valar We Are Going To Die

We are making good progress, strangely enough. You'd think we'd be moving really slow, but we keep up a good pace. I was assigned the job of reading the map, since Belgaer and Browne claimed they didn't have much experience in the field. I personally think they were lying through their teeth. Will get them back.

I don't really blame Arwen and Eowyn. Their map-reading skills have gotten rusty after being locked in the dungeon for so long. I would go insane in their—bored out of my mind. I'm surprised at how restrained they are. If I were them, the moment I could escape, instead of setting off on a mission to overthrow them, I would storm into the throne room and decapitate them on the spot. Once they're dead, maybe their magic wears off…

That would've been soooo much easier and I'm really regretting not trying that first.

But on reflection, I'd probably just end up in jail with the other two, and I could bask in the knowledge that my dear mother is slowly falling to pieces.

I'm such a good daughter.

"Oh dear…" Browne said, looking around quizzically. "Are we taking this path?"

I looked up from the map with a sour expression. Serves them right for making me the one who gives the directions. "Why?" I questioned, attempting to sound genuinely curious, but instead just sounding slightly annoyed.

"Well…" she hesitated. "This path WILL lead us to Lothlorien…"

"And the problem is…?" I tapped my foot.

"…In the process, it will lead us through…Moria…"

My jaw dropped and I stared at the map. I traced my finger all the way through the path until it fell on the little word. Moria. THIS is why I should've planned this out before hand! THIS is why the elleth who LIVES AROUND HERE should be leading!

"Oh…well…" my voice broke slightly, as I panicked at what to do. "We'll just go back and take this path over here."

Arwen shook her head as she glanced at the map over my shoulder. "We mustn't delay, or Frodo and the Hobbits will beat us to Gondor and problems could arise."

"Namely, more creepy-hobbit-seduction." Eowyn clarified.

I suppressed a shudder. What I will do for those Hobbits!

Belgaer looked ill. "So we're going with the Path of Certain Death, then?"

I tried to find something good about this suicide-mission. "Well, just think, we'll…uh…be following the same path as the Fellowship?"

Belgaer perked up. "Cool! Let's go!" she grabbed Browne's hand and skipped off with her. I shook my head. They were insane.

"Well, think of it as a shortcut!" Eowyn beamed, realizing that while I had succeeded in cheering on the others, I myself was having SEVERE doubts about the outcome of this journey.

"Through hell," I muttered, just barely audible. I hope she didn't catch that.

Of course, Eowyn WOULDN'T be scared of a few orcs. She's faced much worse. Faced and demolished, I should say. She's like a killing machine when she wants to be. It's borderline psychotic.

Just kidding. I'm rambling, aren't I? It's just….VALAR! It's MORIA, for Eru's sake!

Moria. Granted, I'm not as big a coward a some, but I'm not really looking forward to this. Why? Hmm, let's think about this for a second. I am grateful that Gandalf killed that Balrog. But there are still orcs, right? Multitudes of beady eyed and mutilated Elves. Elves! Kinda like me. Except I'm only half. That's the creepiest thing to think about—that orcs were once Elves and that a living thing can be that tortured and still live. But I'm getting way too serious. The point is, there are ten zillion of them and five of us. Less then the Fellowship even!

And they have those bulgy eyes so they can see in the dark waaaay better than we can.

"I have good eyesight." Arwen scoffs, sounding miffed. I realize that I have been talking out loud.

"Oh yes, Arwen the Great, I had forgotten that you are without fault!" I teased. "Please find it in your heart to forgive me while I perform my daily worshipping of you!"

"Ah. Sarcasm." Eowyn laughs.

"I know thee well." Belgaer adds.

I sigh, feeling like the only normal one again, as our feet carry us closer and closer to a dark, large, enclosed, orc-infested space. I say we blow up Moria. Then it would be a nice little path. When I can see the SUN and SKY. Grr.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't realize how far we had walked. The conversation stopped abruptly and I looked up in time to keep from falling into the lake. We were already there! The door was smashed, and it'll be hard getting in past that rubble. We'll be clearing that out all night. I can't remember what it is that did this…….The Watcher! That's it!

Oh. Yay. Forgot about him.

Belgaer hops off to start lifting rocks away from the entrance. It seems like cruel irony to be working so hard to get into a place I really don't want to be in.

The Valar must hate me or something. I'm serious, for being a spawn of Starr. And the sad part?

I really don't blame them. At all.

Browne and I glance at each other, shrug, and join in on the effort. I'd rather just watch them toil, but I doubt that that would go over well. Eowyn and Arwen are singing (SINGING) as we work. Sure, let's wake up the oversized fish, that'll be good!

We are so going to die.


	12. The Caves

Chapter Twelve: In the Cave…Oh Joy…

The rocks are FINALLY cleared away. Honestly, I though this back-breaking work would never end! Rock after rock after rock. Only someone crazy would enjoy it, which may explain why the others are all so happy. It really can't be possible to get that excited over a cave, so they must just like strenuous work. I could never see another rock as long as I live, and perfectly fine.

Except, you know, for the fact that we are about to enter a huge cave system made entirely of rocks. That my throw a damper on my mood.

Oh yeah, not just rocks. Orcs too. Heh. Forgot.

Life really sucks for me right now. If it weren't for the imminent downfall of the bane of my existence, I would probably quit right now and just drown myself in the lake.

I start to back away slowly, pebbles sliding into the water. "Okay, big scary dark place, there is no way in MORDOR I am going in there." Okay, maybe I'll quit anyway. The other four turned to reason with me, on how stupid it would be to do all that work and not even go inside. But I'm wise to their ways now, there'll be no persuading me to go in those Valar forsaken—

I hear a small slosh of water behind me, and I see all of the color drain out of their faces.

I know what it is before I even turn around.

"There's a giant water monster behind me, isn't there?"

They nodded, eyes wide and mouths open, looks of mingled horror and slight fascination on their faces.

"RUN!" I screeched, snapping to action and seizing Belgaer around the waist to drag her inside. Browne had a look of shock on her face. I suppose after you get used to giant spiders, a giant squid would come as a surprise…Arwen and Eowyn brought up the rear, making sure we weren't going to be decapitated by any tentacles. Occasionally they would slash backwards and we'd hear the squeal of a giant squid who just had one of it's tentacles slashed with a sword.

And if you thought that I had a talent for stating the obvious, Eowyn chose that moment of slight panic to yell, "Into the mines!" as an addition to my previous scream.

No really, I thought we were going into the LAKE.

She glared at me as she realized how stupid that sounded and that I was probably thinking along those lines. And she didn't want me to voice those ever-present sarcastic thoughts.

We finally got into the caves, except unlike the Fellowship, there were no doors to stop the Watcher. We ran up stairs, and down stairs, and ran some more just to be safe. We knew it still wasn't following us, but we were all in such a state that running just felt like the right thing to do at the time.

Finally my legs give way and I toppled down, landing on top of a cursing Belgaer. She has some colorful language, I'll tell you what!

Once she finished her rant of disparaging things about my mother (which I didn't exactly disagree with and may use some time in the near future…) I stood shakily and looked around. Once you got past the wheezing Arwen, Browne, and Eowyn clutching their chests and breathing hard like they were going to have heart attacks, it was actually a pretty interesting place. And yes, we did run fast enough to tire out an Elf. Who'da thought? But yeah, Moria. Not bad. Really big and impressive. Makes me want to fall down on my knees and cry that I'm not worthy.

Well, okay, maybe not that extreme, but you get the point.

"Need…air…" Eowyn gasped. She took a hardy breath and immediately dissolved into a coughing fit, holding her nose. I made a disgusted face—now that she reminded me, it did smell rather…rancid…in here.

Did it have anything to do with the piles of decaying Orc and Dwarf corpses? Gee, I don't know. Draw your own conclusions.

Honestly. And I thought my room was bad.

Once all of us had caught our breath/ managed to avoid massive strokes, we set off. "We'd better get some damn hospitality in Lorien." Arwen grumbled.

See, the only way I'd ever speak ill of Lorien WOULD be if my grandmother was in charge. Because I'd be afraid she'd read my mind from where she is, then do freaky mind things to me or just have me shot on the spot when I got there.

But that's just me and my overactive imagination fueled by utter lack of sleep and fresh air.

I desperately need some good food, safety, and about three weeks of sleep. I can't remember ever being this tired. And we haven't put up with HALF what the Fellowship did. I really think the next time I see Frodo, I'm going to hug him. I won't be able to help it. But I'll try.

Because I'd hate to scare him.

And I don't really know how I would explain my sudden extreme affection. May be a tad difficult…

In Minas Tirith…

"Lyke faerie were are u!" Starr cried out, crashing around the palace in her searching. Celeste followed mutely behind her with a dazed, slightly cross-eyed expression on her face. "U need to lyke fix us!"

Celeste picked up a throw pillow that Starr had haphazardly tossed in her direction and began to gnaw on it, drooling.

"I cant even sing 2 make it betta!" Starr wailed. "Everything is sooo awfull rite now!"

Legolas burst into the room at the sound of Starr's distress. "Melamin, what is wrong?" he said, glowing a little. Creepy.

"Oh…umm…nuthing. I just thought I saww the persun who attacked us. I wuz gonna get mah revenge."

"Oh Starr!" Legolas said, cheesy music inexplicably starting up. "I will avenge you!" He pranced, yes PRANCED out of the room after striking about fifty heroic poses.

Starr sighed, instantly forgetting what she was looking for. "I am soooo in luv."

In a random broom closet somewhere in the castle…

"Mmfff!" the faerie's scream of indignation was muffled against the tiny gag wrapped around her mouth. She was tied up and her wand lay nearby, snapped in two. Gimli leaned back in his chair and propped his boot-clad feet up on the small table and puffed contentedly on his pipe.

TBC…..


	13. Eeep

Chapter Thirteen: Eeeep.

"Well." Belgaer spoke. "…This may pose a problem…"

The remainder of us had gee-I-should-have-remembered-this looks on our faces.

We stared at Khazad-dum. Or, more correctly, the half of Khazad-dum that REMAINED. And it certainly wasn't jumping distance. Or even close to that. At all. So basically we weren't getting across anytime soon.

"Ah." Was all Arwen had to say. It seemed more like a cursing moment to me, but I refrained.

"Eeep." I believe Eowyn summed it up so much better. "What are we going to do?" she whispered.

"Well, scarily enough, I know that for future reference, I should actually pay attention to King Elessar when he rambles about his adventures to impress Celeste…" I mumbled.

"Well, Valar willing, he won't be doing THAT anymore." Arwen replied, hands on her hips, looking intimidating. I don't know about Celeste, but she scares me, and I would never even THINK about taking her man. But then again, Celeste has all the brains of a rock. In fact, she may be distantly related to some of these rocks that made the bridge. That could explain why it fell apart.

That and the giant fiery demon, I mean.

Wow, days without good sleep makes me ramble a lot…

"But we have to get to Lorien, right?" Browne pointed out. "So, basically, we're finding a way across. Somehow."

Ah, how refreshing her blatant honesty is. She didn't even hesitate to point out that we've got some major thinking to do.

We fell silent, brainstorming about how we could feasibly get across this…to be cliché, gaping chasm.

Belgaer, realizing that as the smallest, she was in the most danger of being tossed across should we not have any other plan, came up with a solution. "Hey!" She pulled off her knapsack and began to rummage through it. Finding what she was looking for, her hand emerged from the bag as she grinned triumphantly. "Rope!"

Eowyn leapt up and immediately set off to secure it to a pillar or rock or something. I would comment on how she knew exactly what to do, but that isn't really saying anything, because it was kind of obvious…

I suddenly understood what this would entail. Basically, we were going to tie this rope (hope it doesn't break) around a rock (hope it doesn't come untied), toss the other end across to secure it over there (hope it catches hold of something), and then get across the rope (hope it's strong enough) somehow (hope we don't fall to a messy death).

Oh yeah. We're screwed.

Of course, while I was mentally coming up with numerous reasons why this plan was absolutely RIDICULOUS, the others were already across.

"Seiryu! What are you waiting for!" Arwen called.

"Well, certainly not common sense because it seems to have deserted this group!" I hollered as I clambered across the rope, throwing caution into the wind. "You people are either very lucky or very stupid. I can't decide." I muttered as I made it to the other side and was able to breathe again.

"I'm going to go with a mix of the two." Browne laughed.

I had something to say to that, but I caught sight of the door out. We had made it! No orcs, no Balrogs, relatively little danger. I scrambled to my feet and let out a whoop, hugging Browne and practically skipping to the door. The sun hit my face and momentarily blinded me, but it was all good.

"Warmth." I grinned.

So, yeah, I guess in some ways, we were a little luckier than the Fellowship. At this point in their journey, they were mourning the loss of their companion. And here I am, grinning like an idiot at the sun, which is probably going to destroy my vision completely.

Yes, I'm brilliant.

"Okay, let's get a move on." Eowyn said, starting to walk.

"Awww…can't we take a break?" Belgaer asked. I felt bad for her. Being a Hobbit, she had a harder time keeping up with the rest of us. If I had the energy, I'd carry her, but I had a feeling that it wouldn't end well.

"Nope. We have to get closer to Lorien before we make camp. I want to be there bright and early tomorrow." Eowyn replied. "After we walk for a bit, if you get tired, we can stop for a few minutes."

"Once we get to Lothlorien, expect all the hospitality you could hope for…" Arwen smiled. "…that is, once we break the spell."

I groaned inwardly. I had completely forgotten that the inhabitants of Lorien were going to be another bunch of lovesick, starr-struck fools. That was going to be a pain. It always is. Not too many topics to converse upon. I believe the favorites are usually 'Starr's Favorite Food' and 'The Color of Starr's Undergarments.'

And I'm not even joking about that second one. I have actually heard a rather heated debate over this topic. I couldn't look her in the face for a week.

I'd start laughing.

I guess being so perfect comes with a price. Because I'd rather be ignored than to have people of the kingdom coming up with reasons why I like chicken better than beef. I'd seriously wonder about Gondor if it weren't for the fact that Starr is a psycho witch. She is SO going down. I really can't wait.

I know, I'm such a wonderful and caring daughter. But the things I've had to put up with…makes me mad just thinking about them. Honestly! Being woken up at three in the morning each day is blasphemy! If my outfits weren't so darn intricate and everything didn't have to be just right, I could probably get away with sleeping till seven or so. But noooo! Mother dearest insists! And Ada-with-no-backbone just HAS to go along with it.

Camp was set up once we reach where Eowyn had planned. Belgaer made us a great dinner and Browne played us a song on this little harp she had. It was a really nice evening. Normal, even. At least for us.

Which was really good, because I can tell, without a doubt, that tomorrow is going to be all kinds of weird…


	14. Pinkness

Chapter Fourteen: Pinkness

"Ah…Lothlorien! My home away from home!" Arwen sighed happily as we entered the woods.

It must be good to be home. Me, I'm good away from home, but that's completely understandable. But Arwen's spent a lot of time here, and it must be exciting to see her grandparents again…So I'm happy for her, it's just…I never expected Lorien to be so…

Pink.

"It's not always!" Arwen huffed, and I realize that I've got to stop voicing my thoughts out loud. It's really becoming a problem…

"Ahhhh! My eyesssss!" Belgaer hissed as we passed a particularly fluorescent tree. Honestly, I really think that a tree can be a tree WITHOUT pink lights and streamers and hearts and sparkles and stickers and 'I love Starr' posters.

I did a double take. I didn't think we would have to deal with those after we left the Shire. It seemed a little too preteen for ELVES. Not that the Hobbits act like twelve-year-olds, but you know what I mean…

We were about twenty minutes into the woods when a flash of pink caught my eye. I turned my head quickly to catch what it was, but—

There was too much pink. Now that's what I call camouflage. You stick a Sue in this woods, there would be no finding her. Maybe we can lure them all in here, and set loose the Mirkwood spiders (painted pink of course).

I'd say that our little problem would be solved.

But that would be taking a chance. Abruptly killing the Sues could either break the spell over Legolas and Aragorn, or shock them into severe depression that could end in suicide. That wouldn't be good. I know, I'm so smart, right? I've been taught well.

We continued walking, and soon Caras Galadhon was before us. At least that place has minimal pinkness. It would be pretty hard to turn that huge thing pink. Upon nearing it though, the pink glare from the lanterns momentarily blinded us. That could be why the Elves inside are walking around in a daze. Oh, and there's another reason…but we all already know WHO that is.

Up the staircase. Fun fun. Allow me a moment to contain my excitement. It really didn't make matters any better that every once in while, a stair was marked on how many calories you had burned so far climbing.

We reached the top and found a very disturbing sight. Elves in pink…everywhere…braiding each other's hair…having pillow fights. Losing random pieces of clothing…

It really made me wonder if Starr has some way of viewing this from Gondor, because it seemed like the kind of thing she'd enjoy. Immensely.

I spotted Celeborn. And no, not because I've seen him before. He was the one in the cheesy crown with the words 'king' sprawled across the front in rhinestones. Arwen looked mortified. Of course, that could be because she was watching her shirtless grandfather playing (and losing) a game of strip poker.

And that was when I realized it. There were no female there before we arrived! It's not like I could tell right when getting there, because, to be perfectly honest, I know a great deal of Elven men that could be mistaken for females. It's the sad truth. But that's just me.

We headed up another small set of stairs and found a sight that was even more disturbing. In the corner of the small area we had entered, there was a bundle of white. It was such a welcome color after all the pink. So we didn't notice right away that the bundle also had golden hair.

"GRANDMOTHER!" Arwen shrieked.

A very hollow-eyed Galadriel glanced up at us and I stifled a scream. What was with the deadened look in her eyes?

And then a particularly girlish outcry from the Elves in the previous room answers my question.

Arwen is on her knees by her grandmother in a second. "Are you alright? Can you hear me? What happened to you?" As she questions, her voice is getting higher and higher, and I can tell she is panicked.

I can't help but file this mental moment away. 'The First Time I've Seen Arwen Lose It.'

There's a story for the grandkids. Arwen's, I mean. I'm not even going to think about kids for myself. Yikes. Scary thought.

"I'm okay," she croaked. "Just…get me…out of here…"

I really don't even want to imagine what she had been through up to this point. If I thought I had it bad, that was NOTHING compared to this. This sentiment was reinforced when a…(ahem) non-clothed Celeborn burst into the room crowing about his latest loss (of the game).

There were five ear-piercing shrieks and one divorce/death threat, and five minutes later, we were escorting a homicidal Galadriel out of Caras Galadhon.

We reached the bottom of the steps, and just when I thought the day couldn't get any weirder…

"HALDIR!" Eowyn shrieked. I nearly dropped Galadriel in surprise. Browne, who was helping me support her, made a disgruntled noise.

"YOU'RE DEAD!" Arwen screeched, pointing an accusatory finger.

"AAAAA! A GHOST!" Belgaer and Browne yelled in unison. Galadriel said nothing, but looked slightly pale. I mean, more so than usual.

"I thought so too!" Haldir said, putting his hands up in defense. "But then I…came back."

"Clearly," Browne mused. "It wasn't something that was supposed to happen. The work of the Sues."

"So they would blatantly mess with the fate of a world like that?" Belgaer asked, astonished.

"Well YEAH!" Eowyn smiled. "Why do you think we're trying to get rid of them?"

"Because they're annoying?"

"…Well, that too."

"And they stole your man?"

"…Yeah…"

"And threw you in jail?"

"…Ummm…yes…"

"And publicly humiliated you?"

"They are going down!" Arwen said, clenching her fists determinedly.

"Haldir…" Galadriel voiced. "I need your help. You aren't affected by this madness as the others are, so I need your help to keep me sane and fix this place."

"We're here to help!" I piped up. "So far we've fixed the Shire and Mirkwood!"

Galadriel beamed. "Valar bless you…but I do not know your name…forgive me, my telepathy has been horrible at best. Who are you?"

"Disgruntled rebel child." Arwen stated.

"WHAT! Don't tell her that!"

We set off, Arwen and myself bickering, to plot the downfall of Starr in Lothlorien.


	15. Pink Migraine

Sorry it's really short but I hope to update over the weekend again. I've been having an insane week.

Chapter Fifteen: Pink Migraine

Galadriel had found us a room with minimal pinkness. It was a blessing, as my head was aching. From all the pink. I mean really, there has to be a limit. It's a nice color, but when it's all you can see, then it is unbearable. And it brings up horribly vivid memories of past parties attended in pink monstrosities.

"So." Belgaer muttered. "What are we going to do?"

"Something. Anything." Haldir mused. I refrained from a snarky comment involving the word 'obvious.' To be perfectly honest, I'm still quite frightened after seeing Celeborn like that. Talk about first impressions…

"Well first," Arwen began. "Tell us how this happened."

Galadriel looked thoughtful. "I believe just after the Fellowship left Lorien, things got strange. I did not see this coming, however. It was not a gradual change, either, just all at once. I woke up one morning to find Celeborn giving himself a pedicure while babbling about how fantastic Starr is."

"What a nightmare…" I mumbled.

"I truly thought it was," she replied.

"Sounds like a serious case of gender confusion." Eowyn frowned.

"Great story to tell the grandkids." Belgaer smiled, trying to lighten the mood. Arwen made a funny noise in her throat and looked ill. "Oh yeah, you ARE a grandkid…"

"We need to expose to the people of Lorien that Starr is a fraud." Arwen said grimly.

"It probably couldn't hurt to find some she-elves." I added. "Which would be a lot easier than beating them back to their senses."

"Which is quite appealing right now…" Browne said, eyeing the doorway with a slightly disgusted look. "This Starr knows not the peril she is in if I ever see her."

We were about to continue when there came the sound of quick footsteps at the door. A disheveled she-elf burst into the room and we could tell she was in hurry because a. she was disheveled and b. she was actually making noise.

"Naurin!" Galadriel cried. "Where have you been!"

"If I knew the answer, my lady, I would gladly tell you. We were all going about our business and suddenly we were gone."

And once again all possible responses to this statement were drowned out by another voice.

Celeborn's suddenly-three-octaves-higher voice.

"Oh LAAAADIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!"

Naurin clapped her hands over her ears and I nearly fell over in surprise. I really didn't think it was possible to get your voice that high and that loud. I checked to make sure my ears weren't bleeding, and I don't think I was alone.

"Yes. My. Love." Galadriel said through her clenched teeth, looking quite strained.

"We need a little womanly input." He squeaked. At least he was recognizing our gender. He spotted Naurin. "Aw! Another female! FABULOUS! Anywayz, we need to know, which looks better with pink: purple or more pink?"

There was an awkward silence.

"More pink? I agree!" Celeborn giggled before scampering out.

Eight pairs of eyes stared the doorway in what I assumed was blatant disbelief.

"We…have to do…something…NOW." Eowyn said softly.

No one said anything, but it is clear that everyone agreed. Once you got past the haunted looks in our eyes, you could see the utter agreement. My mouth had ceased functioning, but I was mentally screaming 'NOW NOW NOW NOW!' …Just in case anyone cared…

We have a lot of planning to do.

TBC…


	16. So Not My Day

Chapter 16: So Not My Day

We settled down for some long planning. How perfect. I really do need a nap.

I was getting ready to close my eyes for some good dreaming, when Belgaer sat up straight with a triumphant look on her face. "I've got it!"

I nearly fell off my seat in surprise. "But we've been in here all of three minutes!" I protested indignantly.

"Sorry if we're interrupting your beauty sleep." Browne smirked.

I shrugged, giving in. "Whatever. I don't want beauty sleep. I'd end up like my mother."

"So, what's your plan?" Arwen questioned.

Belgaer looked far too excited. I was getting worried.

"I propose we use an imposter."

That was all I needed to hear. I definitely knew what was coming. That nassssty hobbit. We hatesss them.

Eowyn had caught on like I did. But did she shoot it down? Valar no, she HELPED! "And since Seiryu is Starr's daughter, she is the most likely candidate."

I refrained from several choice curses. "You wenches! I'm not doing this alone!"

All eyes turned to Browne. She scooted back with a deer-in-headlights look on her face. "W-why me?"

"You're blonde." Arwen stated matter-of-factly.

"So is Galadriel!"

"But they would recognize her too easily." Belgaer rationalized. "They may appear completely brain dead, but I'd be SERIOUSLY worried if they wouldn't have some realization as to who she was."

"Eowyn's blonde too!"

The look on Eowyn's face not only conveyed her absolute disagreement but also could have probably melted steel and made grown men cry.

"Right-o, I'm Celeste!" Browne smiled nervously. I didn't even bother sticking up for her, because a. I'm not doing this alone, b. she made that earlier beauty sleep crack, and c. I'm not doing this alone.

Two hours later, I'm made up in full Starr costume. Arwen had gleefully made me up with excessive amounts of makeup and hair products. To get the right effect, they had to stuff two pillows down the front of my size -3 dress. While she was finishing and Browne was getting made up, we had to practice being dumb.

And the sad thing is, I'm not even exaggerating. We practiced adding 'like' after every other word and saying dumb things. As we wobbled out of the room, already sick of the heels, I seriously regretted being so cooperative about this. There was a great chance that we were about to make humongous fools of ourselves.

We entered the room were the elves were. They were in the middle of a massive pillow fight. I really didn't want to erupt.

Actually, I wanted to run away screaming and then gouge my eyes out with a sharp stick.

I gave Browne a look, and then cleared my throat.

The feathers fluttered to the floor as all the elves stared at us, open-mouthed. "LADY STARR!" came the unanimous scream as they surged towards us. "LADY CELESTE!"

I began to back away slowly. I would have checked to see if Browne was alright, but at this point I had several dozen half-naked, crazed, male elves creeping towards me. It was pretty much any girl for herself.

I probably would have high-tailed it out of there at that instant, but I found myself the victim of endless affectionate hugs from random elves. I would have enjoyed it under different circumstances.

After fighting off the recently-girly elves, I pulled a violated Browne out of the mass huddle. "I have something to say!" I yelled over the catcalls and requests for us to sign their chests.

There was instant silence as they looked on, with total interest.

I hesitated. There was pretty much no nice way to put this. "Well…"

All three dozen of them leaned forward with rapt attention.

"I hate you all. You need to leave me alone. I have no interest in having anything to do with you. I think elves are stupid. And not naturally-blonde."

There was dead silence.

One by one, the faces of the surrounding elves went from befuddled and crestfallen to angry. I think I got the message across.

"WE HATE STARR! DOWN WITH THE WENCH!"

"Oh my Valar, they are going to kill us!" Browne screeched, seizing my arm and dragging me away. We got into a side hall and took off our top layers, revealing our normal clothes underneath. We wiped off the makeup just before the horde of angry elves came upon us, with Celeborn in the lead.

"Did you see two wenches come through here?" he demanded.

"Uh…they went that way?" Browne pointed.

"LET'S GET EM!" Celeborn yelled, and they stormed off. I had to wonder about the flaming torches and what they intended to do, but I understood soon enough when we saw the flaming pink bonfire.

It was quite a sight, I'm not gonna lie. Very satisfying. We caught a glimpse of Celeborn trying to get back in Galadriel's good graces. I hate to see a grown elf beg. Not so dignified. Haldir was looking much too gleeful, though. How sadistic of him.

We left the woods, slightly sad to miss the festivities. We did, however, add a new member to our team. Naurin decided to come along to help. There were now six of us—me, Arwen, Eowyn, Belgaer, Browne, and Naurin. And our next stop? Rohan.

I could only imagine what was in store for us there. And I was hoping it was just my imagination being overly-active again, but I had a sneaking suspicion that it wasn't.

TBC…


	17. Make The Pain Stop

Chapter 17: Make the Pain Stop

The morning was calm and tranquil. The sky was a deep blue with fluffy clouds strewn here and there. In the gardens of Minas Tirith, the flowers were in bloom, the sun was shining down, and the birds sang from their perches in the trees. The castle gleamed a shimmering white as the city bustled with life.

"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Several glass windows shattered messily as the birds fell out of the trees and the citizens cowered in fear, expecting an apocalypse. Who can blame them, when a bloodcurdling scream that resembled the sound of someone being murdered messily interrupted the early morning calm.

This unbearable shriek was followed by many other shouts. Among them could be heard:

"MEEEELLAAAAMIIIINNNNNN!"

"IS CELESTE ALL RIGHT?"

Starr scrambled to the door and barricaded it to the best of her ability. Which wasn't very good. "DON'T COME IN!" she screeched like a harpy.

Celeste stood mutely, staring at the mirror.

"Whut are we gonna dooooo!1" Starr moaned, pulling at her still-perfect hair.

Celeste didn't move. It took Starr another five minutes to realize she was asleep. She pounced on her and shook her viciously. "Stay up u idiott!"

Starr began to pout as she glanced in the mirror at her no-longer pointed ears. "I'm not lyke an elf n e more! I'm gonna get old! Yuckie!"

Starr frowned. "Somehting is lyke going on. I should lyke send a patrol out 2 look 4 Saeriel."

I sneezed.

"Something wrong?" Arwen looked back. I shook my head.

"Someone must be talking about me!" I laughed.

"Yeah, you know that Seiryu? I can't stand her!" Belgaer teased, whispering loudly to Browne. She stopped laughing when I chucked the rock at her, though.

Okay, so I'm kidding. I didn't throw a rock at her. But it was tempting.

There was a sudden burst of pink sparkles, and several VERY mean-looking guards appeared just ahead of us. Without a sound, we scrambled into nearby trees. They turned around and began marching down the path under us. It was very soon that we found out that their surliness was proportional to their complete and utter stupidity. The branch Eowyn was on dropped a rather large twig, which fell right onto the head of guard number one. What did he do? Look quickly around, brandishing his sword, that's what. Did he ONCE look up? Nope.

So I promptly dropped the rock I had saved for Belgaer onto guard number two's head. It was very satisfying.

"I'm guessing the fairy had something to do with this." Arwen whispered very softly. But, unfortunately for us, the guards had superb hearing. I guess Starr isn't as stupid as…well, yes she is, but had sense enough to not make her guards completely useless.

We jumped from the tree to confront them. Guard number three, who was obvious feeling left out, immediately rushed at Naurin, figuring an elf would be easiest to take down.

Boy, was he wrong.

She took him down in a flash while explaining nonchalantly to us how it was necessary to be fast when fighting Sues. Apparently they make up for their lack of strength with an excess of speed.

"So basically they're cowards whose best defense is running away." Browne added as she delivered a vicious uppercut to one of the other guards.

"That and temporarily blinding their opponents with their shiny hair." I smiled, whacking one of the guards across the head with a large stick. By the time our conversation was over, all the guards were on the ground in various degrees of pain.

They vanished suddenly and we shrugged and continued on towards Rohan.

"We should be in Rohan tomorrow, at the rate we've been traveling." Arwen calculated.

"Finally!" Browne and I chorused.

"Yeah, well don't expect a warm welcome or any time to relax." Eowyn pointed out.

"In that case, can we camp here?"

Starr let out a high-pitched wail as the defeated guards appeared at her feet. "Whut teh heck happened!"

The fairy frowned. "I wasn't aware Saeriel could do something like this…I underestimated their strength."

"In Elnglish, plz!"

The fairy rolled her eyes. "I thought they were weak. They weren't."

"Ohhhhh!1"

Satisfied with this, Starr wandered off, singing a random song in an extremely off-key voice.

The fairy debated flying repeatedly into the walls until the headache stopped.

TBC…


	18. Look Out Rohan!

Chapter 18: Look out Rohan!

"We aren't too far from Rohan now…" Eowyn said, looking excited. I can't blame her for wanting to get home; she's been away for quite some time.

As we walked, Arwen attempted to come up with some semblance of a plan, so we wouldn't traipse into Rohan without a clue as to what we were doing.

"This will be much more difficult than any other place we've been too. I do not have an idea as to how badly Rohan has been affected, but I would suggest preparing for the worst. This will take much more manipulative skill than needed in the Shire, Mirkwood, or Lothlorien. We will need to possess an extraordinary amount of tact, fantastic persuasive abilities, and cleverness."

I looked at her for a second. "…Okay, so I'm out, what are you five going to do?"

Arwen glared daggers.

"I was kidding!" I said, raising my hands in defense and backing away slowly.

"Thought so."

Geez, someone gets cranky when away from her man for too long. No matter how badly he is possessed. Or in a trance, rather.

Belgaer was, needless to say, in all her hobbit-glory. "I'm thinking something complicated." She said gleefully.

"Oh, good. What do you have in mind?" Eowyn questioned.

"I have no idea; I just want it to be complicated. Preferably something involving secret codes and nicknames."

We must have looked confused, for she sighed and shook her head, muttering something about "amateurs." I'd be mad if it weren't true.

Then a thought hit me.

"What if…" I began, and all eyes were on me. "What if we infiltrate Rohan, to gain their trust, and then…" I hesitated—my plan didn't go much farther than that. Plotting was more of Belgaer's niche.

"Yeah…" Browne agreed. "Maybe start some whisperings, rumors…That could work to our advantage." She shrugged. "It worked for Melkor."

"But how to finish it?" Eowyn puzzled. "We'd be there for YEARS."

There was a rustling in the bushes. "I think I can help." Came a voice.

We whirled around to see a boy, in his teens, step out of the bushes. He had the typical sandy-brownish-blonde hair of the Rohirric, blue eyes, and several light freckles from being in the sun. Now, I'm not going to say that he wasn't attractive, that would be a blatant lie. But it isn't like I started pining over him, composing sappy songs, and planning our wedding and what our children will be named.

"What's your name?" Arwen asked with narrow eyes, her hand on the hilt of her sword. "Why do you wish to help us?"

The boy just stared back in a self-assured way, not looking too scared. I guess he's never seen Arwen or Eowyn fight, because I'D be scared.

"As to my name, I will reveal it in due time." Oooh, cryptic. "As to why I wish to help…have you BEEN to Rohan in the past months!"

At the half-disgusted, half-incredulous look on his face, I burst out laughing. Browne had a sympathetic look on her face, and Belgaer attempted (and failed) to. I guess they had been through a lot because of Starr too. I shudder to think what.

The boy looked indignant. Aw, I don't think he likes me very much. Too bad.

Ah, where is this sarcasm coming from?

The boy shook his head, obviously not wanting to deal with me. "Rohan is a MESS. My homeland…in shambles! Some dark presence has fallen over the land and the people have fallen victim to its spell. Strangely, I was not affected, for I recognized the presence for what it was—"

"A Mary Sue." He and Naurin chorused. He looked startled and stared at her.

"How did you know?" he questioned.

"We may not be from around here, but this is happening all over." She replied coolly. "We only just delivered my home, Lothlorien, from the spell."

The boy looked at us with respect. "You are Sue Slayers?"

Are we? I guess we are.

He turned to me. "You don't talk much, do you?"

I keep my witty and stinging comments to myself, sweetheart. That's what I _thought_, not what I said. "No."

Ignoring my teasing, he turned to Arwen. "I will take you to Meduseld." His eyes fell on Eowyn, and widened significantly. Then, he sighed and shook his head. "I am sorry, I mistook you for someone else: the Lady Eowyn. She has been missing for many years, and while no one else may have noticed, it is a grievous loss for someone not under a spell."

Eowyn beamed. "I'm glad to hear I was missed."

His jaw dropped open. "It IS you!" he looked as if he had to restrain himself from hugging her. It was pretty cute. "Where have you been! You never returned to Rohan once the Fellowship and those two women had left for Gondor."

"Yeah, funny story. Those two 'women'? They were the Sues. Starr and Celeste."

"And yes, there is a celestial theme in the names. They have a daughter named Andromeda. And Nelleyadettekiyna, but that's beside the point." I said, matter-of-factly.

"How did you come across this information?" he asked.

I grinned. Let's see how he would react to this. "I am Starr's daughter."

All the color drained out of his face and he leapt back about five feet, as if I would either bite him or infect him.

Belgaer fought back laughter. "Priceless."

"I seceded from my family. Do not worry yourself. I won't infect you."

Relief washed over his face. "Thank the Valar!"

"Now," smiled Arwen. "Not to be impatient, but it is imperative that we get to Rohan. If you have any ideas to help us, let me know."

The boy nodded, suddenly having a sense of purpose. He clearly hasn't had much to do in the past few months. I'm guessing a lot of wandering around and pondering how his life got so crappy.

"How is Eomer doing?" Eowyn asked as we headed for the Golden Hall.

The boy, who had been giving us a lot of details about the condition of Rohan, suddenly fell silent. The look on his face was painful.

Eowyn sighed. "That bad?"

"Odds are, he had a thing with Starr, and the effects of that aren't pretty." I said, deadpan. "I'd hate to say it, but Eomer is going to be the toughest to break. He's been the closest to Starr."

"It's strange that you were the only one to be unaffected. Wouldn't at least some other people have recognized the devilry that is a Sue?"

"I tried warning people, but once I had noticed it, it was too late. They were love-struck."

"They were Starr-struck." I corrected. "There's a big difference."

"Really? Would you care to expound upon that theory?" he grinned.

"Oooh, you have a biiiig vocabulary. Unfortunately for you, I'm not as stupid as my mother."

He laughed. "I'm glad your IQ is higher than your age."

"If it weren't, I doubt I'd still be breathing."

"Well, not to interrupt this witty banter, but we must pick up the pace." Naurin smirked.

We reached a clearing in the trees and then a wide expanse of land stretched before us. They were random boulders scattered around the plain, and we could see the Golden Hall gleaming on a hill several miles away. The sun was getting lower in the sky and the clouds took on a pinkish glow. All that beautiful scenery was virtually ruined for me as I took a closer look and realized that there was a pink flag with the letter 's' on it, fluttering in the breeze above Meduseld.

We set up camp, partly because it was getting dark, and partly because we were all dreading going into that city.

As Belgaer cooked dinner, I began to see what the guy was talking about. Even the fire had a pinkish glow to it. Or maybe I'm just tired and hallucinating. If you listened closely when it was quiet, you didn't hear the howling of the wolves. No, you hear the faint sound of the Rohirric singing praises to Starr (there were a few stanzas about Celeste too).

Personally, I would have been a lot less unsettled if it had been wolves. I really don't want to hear about my mother's talents in bed. Because there were a good twenty lines dedicated to that aspect of Starr.

I shuddered and drew my cloak closer around my shoulders.

The boy, for lack of a better name, glanced at me. "What's it like to have someone like Starr for a mother?"

"Can you picture having your brain ripped from your head and stomped on?"

He winced at the imagery. "Yes. That bad?"

"No."

"Oh."

"It's a lot worse."

"And I thought _I_ had it bad." He let out a low whistle.

"Well, keep in mind, I was used to it. Of course, when I ran away with Arwen and Eowyn, it was the best feeling in the world. If I had to go back to that life, I'd probably purposely fall on the nearest sword or throw myself from the top level of Minas Tirith."

His eyes took on an odd glow. "What's that city like?"

I sighed. No matter how many bad memories I had there, I did miss my home. "Beautiful. There's no other way to describe it."

"Perhaps I will accompany you on the way home…"

I shrugged. "Why not? The more the merrier." I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. "Are you ever going to tell us your name?"

He grinned. "Soon, soon. I know it makes you crazy, so I'll wait a little longer."

How could he tell? Was I really that obvious?…Don't answer that.

Belgaer came over and handed us each a plate of steaming soup. Browne was perched in a nearby tree, slightly slack-jawed. I think she was sleeping. Naurin was conversing softly with Arwen in Elvish. Eowyn was a little ways off, walking among a pile of boulders. We could tell she was happy to be home, and slightly impatient to get home and fix things. She was the only one.

She soon came back and joined us in talking. Several hours later, we settled down for bed. It felt like I had barely shut my eyes when Browne was shaking me lightly, telling me that it was time to get up. In case anyone was wondering, I'm not a morning person. I don't know many who are.

Browne is.

I muttered some curses about her and her mother, and rolled over to go back to bed. Light laughter could be heard. Elves. Then I remembered that I was an Elf. Or at least partially. I don't really know if Legolas is my real father. It is quite possible that Eowyn is my aunt. But that is something I really don't care to think about.

I hauled my sorry carcass up and packed up my things.

"We'll be leaving in a few minutes." Arwen informed me. "Who's ready for the final downfall of Starr?"

"I AM!" we all shouted simultaneously. We must have been loud, because I think I detected a momentary silence in the Song of Starr that was emanating from the nearby city. But sure enough, several seconds later, it was resumed.

We neared the gate around noon. It wasn't until were about two miles away that I could see the pink banners that read "We luvv Starr 4 Eva." The boy next to us smacked a hand to his forehead. "Darn! They replaced the one I burned yesterday morning!" I admired his efforts. I suppose there's only so much one man can do in a city full of crazy people.

The moment we reached the gates, they were thrown open. "WELCOME!"

So much for having gates to protect against enemies. These people weren't just crazy, they were also FAR too cheerful. And that's just annoying.

We braced for the worst, and walked in.

I heard once from Gimli that when they entered Rohan, you'd apparently "find more cheer in a graveyard." Either this place has changed greatly, or Gimli couldn't have been more wrong. I'm going with the first one.

People were literally DANCING in the streets. Dancing. This was the happiest place in the world. I swear it! Drinks all around, not a mean word spoken…no sense of modesty.

But we won't go into that last one.

The path to Meduseld seem to stretch on for miles. I wasn't sure about anyone else, but I was unsure of whether to point and laugh, or run screaming from the city. It was very…disturbing.

The boy leading us masked his shame well. He did, however, twitch slightly every once in a while, and I thought I could detect a small vein throbbing in his forehead. The look on his face was barely-concealed annoyance.

"I'm guessing it will only get worse once we are closer to the castle," Belgaer whispered. Eowyn had a sour look on her face, as she recognized several members of the town behaving particularly…freely…and proceeded to give them very withering looks. They merely raised their glasses in a toast to her with glazed looks in their eyes. Because of the alcohol or spell, I have no idea.

We finally reached the castle and climbed the steps. We were met with the sight of a sign congratulating us on burning 110 calories, whatever those were. Then a far stranger sight met our eyes.

"SISTER DEAR!"

Eowyn's jaw dropped.

TBC…

Ooo, mean cliffie. I'm guessing there will be one or two more chapters. Sorry it has taken so long to update.


	19. A Wee Little Orcsy

Chapter 19: A Wee Little Orcsy

"I…Ah…Uah…Eh…" Eowyn could do no more than stutter with a blank look on her face as she stared at who stood before her.

I'm pretty sure the rest of us had to pick our jaws up off the floor as well. I never knew Eomer, but I was pretty sure this wasn't a normal way of dressing for him.

Picture the brightest pink. Then multiply that tenfold, turn it into a kingly (yet lacy) tunic with the phrase "Starr is My Love Muffin" embroidered across the front in sparkles. Add in a blonde wig, high-heeled "man" boots, and a flowy cape, and you have Eomer's outfit.

I was definitely torn between backhanding him and falling to the ground incapable with laughter. So I did the second. And I wasn't alone. But we won't mention names…(cough) Belgaer (cough). Browne and Naurin were attempting to put on dignified fronts, but their faces were a brilliant shade of scarlet from trying to hold in the laughter. The boy looked about ready to cry, and Eowyn still hadn't been able to piece together a coherent sentence.

Meanwhile, we're still rolling on the ground in laughter.

"Those clothes! That WIG! …Oh, you're k-killing me!" Belgaer howled.

Eomer pouted. "Starr loves Elves, I felt it was fitting to make her happy." He replied in defense of the white-blonde atrocity perched precariously atop his head. He turned on his heel with a swish of his cape and swaggered up to the castle, with our group following. Belgaer and I, who had managed to pick ourselves up off the ground and compose ourselves, almost broke into fresh peals of laughter at this. The boy shot us a warning look. I was, at this time, getting pretty sick of referring to him as "the boy", so once the others were a bit further up the path, I cornered him against the wall of a nearby hut. Ignoring the random catcalls from on looking villages, I put my hands on my hips.

"I'm sick of this not-knowing-your-name nonsense. You WILL tell me who you are."

He just grinned at me. "And if I don't?"

"I might accidentally let the word 'makeover' slip…" I replied. He paled.

"You wouldn't."

I gave him a look.

"You would!"

"Yeah. Pretty much."

"Deorwine. That's my name."

"Nice to finally meet you. I'm glad we'll have a male in our traveling company at last. We need some one to protect us from the big baddies." I smiled and walked off.

"Making fun of me, eh? Well it just so happens I don't like to fight, anyway!"

Several minutes later, we were standing in Meduseld, before the throne. I won't go into too much detail about what Eomer talked about. Let's just say it involved Starr, pink, and "sleeppovas." He would frequently use the phrase "lol" as well, though I have no idea what that's supposed to mean. He found it particularly funny, however.

Later on, in the rooms we were given, our plotting began. Deorwine joined us, because…well, anything would be better than being in the town!

"I've got an idea…" Belgaer murmured. "Eomer is a manly man…Er, WAS a manly man," she coughed. Eowyn looked miffed, but not about to argue. "What do manly men love to do?"

We all paused in thought. I remembered my previous conversation with Deorwine. "FIGHT!" I chimed in.

"Right!" Belgaer grinned. "We could probably find a few scattered orcs around here and there, couldn't we?"

"So you're saying we should form our own orc army?" Naurin summarized. "That really can't be too difficult."

"One question: how do we get them to fight for us, yet not completely demolish this place?" I asked.

"I doubt you will have any trouble," the previously silent Deorwine broke in. "The orcs here are going slightly insane with all the music and, well, blatant girlyness of my people. If you can capture them, tie them up, and talk to them, they'll help."

"You mean, if WE can capture them." Arwen smiled.

Deorwine rolled his eyes. "Peace, Elf-lady, I have every intention of helping."

And that's how we found ourselves on a stake-out, waiting to lure in unsuspecting orcs. It's strange to think that a Sue could make us ally with our worst enemies.

We watched with slight amusement as a lumbering orc reached for the bait—a human sacrifice, of course…fake, that is—we laid for him. A rope tightened around his ankle and the look on his mangled face as he found himself swinging upside down from a tree by his foot was priceless!

He let out several curses in Black Speech which I'm quite positive weren't pleasant. Browne stepped out of the shadows, our designated interrogator. Apparently, she can be really scary when she wants to, as I learned.

"Well, well, well, what have we here?" she said in a silky tone. "A wee little orcsy." He snarled at her, but she continued unfazed. "Perhaps this orcsy would like to listen to my little proposition…I'll let you down if you do me a favor."

"Why should I?" he growled. Arwen stepped out of the shadows with an arrow drawn, aimed at his heart.

"I could think of one or two reasons…" Browne replied nonchalantly. "But this is a favor that could benefit you as well…"

"So, then, lyke, omg, teh gurl was lyke, ur stoopid, and I was lyke, I kno u are but whut am I?" Eomer giggled like an adolescent. Around him, his loyal, way-too-happy-go-lucky subjects cracked up in appreciative laughter. "But seriusly—" he stopped as he heard a strange rumbling. "Are teh villagres holding anuther three-legged race?" Screams filled the air. "Prolly not."

The screams increased. Eomer felt something in him stir. "Mebee Starr is visiting!" he said, running to the doors and flinging them open. What met his eyes was not a crowd of overly-ecstatic people flocking around Starr, but a crowd of frightened people stampeding away from a troop of orcs overtaking the city. All the happiness vanished and Eomer found himself brought back to reality. These…orcs…would dare invade his city and threaten his people. His hand went to the hilt of his sword as he shed his disgusting clothes, his normal attire underneath. They would pay.

Insert gory carnage here.

I can't really detail what happen, because by the time we reached the city, the orcs were all dead. Completely dead. Deader than dead. It looked like Eomer had killed them, resurrected them, and killed them again. It looked like he may have been taking his frustrations over the newly pink city out on the innocent orcs. I almost felt bad for them.

But then I got over it.

Eowyn leapt into her brother's arms and gave him a fierce hug. "One more minute of you like that and I would have gutted you myself!" she laughed, slightly teary-eyed. I guess she really missed him.

The whole situation was explained to him, and let's just say that Deorwine had to help us hold him back from getting on his horse and riding straight to Gondor. We explained our plan, and he seemed to relax, rather enjoying the idea of seeing Starr crash and burn. It was decided that he and Deorwine would accompany us to Gondor.

At this point, the group of us was REALLY excited to get to Gondor, so we decided to set out right away. It was a long walk.

In Gondor…

Starr woke up with a stretch. "Whut a beyootiful day." She walked over and sat down in front of the mirror. She looked into it, and it shattered. She screamed. "Mah looks are fading! Manew save meee!"

Manwe could be heard snorting at the ridiculousness of this idea as he continued shooting fiery arrows at a picture of our "beloved" Starr.

There was a knock at the door. "Starr? Something tells me we should postpone the wedding…I'm getting second thoughts…"

Starr let out a ghastly wail and Legolas scurried away from the door, wide-eyed.

TBC…

Yeah, so I decided that there will probably be more than just two chapters left. I couldn't possibly wrap it all up and put in everything I wanted in just one more after this one. So expect about three more at this current time. That could increase, I don't really know…


	20. Idiot Orcs and Scary Arwen

Chapter 20: Idiotic Orcs and Scary Arwen

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

I gritted my teeth and held myself back from seriously injuring those two. And no, it wasn't Belgaer and Browne or even Naurin.

It was Arwen and Eowyn.

I think the lack of sleep was getting to all of us.

We had very stupidly attempted to walk without stopping for sleep the first night. Now it was the second morning and we were paying for it. Plus, we couldn't just lay down here on the open plains for a little shut eye…

It was rather amusing to see how the exhaustion affected each of us. Arwen and Eowyn, as previously mentioned, were completely loopy. Naurin and Belgaer were totally out of it and walking as if in trances. Browne was attempting to sleep on her feet, and so the only time Naurin and Belgaer showed any emotion was when Browne ran into a random rock. Me? I was beyond grumpy. As for Deorwine, he didn't seem too badly off—he just didn't want to be associated with us. His nose was even farther in a book than usual.

He must have been used to reading like that, however, because he never failed to step neatly over any obstacles in his path.

The minute the sun was nearing the horizon, we all plopped onto the ground simultaneously. We were right near the edge of a forest. We didn't even bother to set a watch, which, looking back, was a really foolish thing to do.

I woke during the night, very uncomfortable. That could have been because I was no longer by the campfire, but rather TIED TO A TREE. I glanced around to see the others in similar predicaments: bound and gagged. Naurin stirred and began looking wildly around…well, at least as wildly as her bindings would allow.

We sure as Mordor needed Arwen and Eowyn to wake up! I let out a muffled scream to attract their attention, but that only succeeded in waking Browne and Belgaer up. Deorwine slept like the dead, so I had to flick little pebbles at him. He began cussing through his gag, and that woke up the other two.

We all stopped shifting to hear the conversation of the nearby assailants. Judging by the rough voices, they were orcs.

"Lady Starr will be very 'appy we've caught these fug'tives."

The way he said "Lady Starr" made me gag through my…gag…

Then an alarming thought hit me. I looked up to see the same panic in Arwen's eyes. If Starr was still intelligent enough to think of sending out orcs after us, maybe our plan wasn't working!

The voices continued.

"Well, we 'ave been out 'ere for weeks now…"

Ah. Well, that's some good news. She sent them out before we really got to work. I relaxed slightly. Deorwine was staring at me like I'm crazy, so I couldn't imagine the emotions that had passed over my face.

Now, how to get out of here…

We were relatively lucky the campfire was around a bend in the trees. There wasn't anyone guarding us, and the ruckus from the orcs was enough to cover up any noise we made. Obviously they weren't the world's smartest orcs…They never were, really.

While I was thinking this, Naurin had apparently managed to get out her knife and saw herself free. She softly freed the remainder of us. We pulled on our packs and were about to sneak off, when Eowyn held up a hand to stop us.

"Shouldn't we get rid of these orcs?"

We all fell into thought. It would mean three less orcs in the world, but also a delay in our travel and a lot more work.

"Nah."

But Eowyn was still looking worried, so Arwen sighed. She walked stealthily around the trees. There was a sharp cry that was quickly silenced, and several seconds later, Arwen came walking back to us. "Done."

We all eyed her with respect. "You're pretty darn scary, you do know this?" I voiced.

"Yeah. Someone has to keep my brothers in line."

We continued on our trip for days. I would tell you how many, but, quite frankly, I haven't the foggiest idea. It was the best feeling in the world, let me tell you, to see the gleam of that city.

"Home at last!" I exclaimed. I never thought I would be happy to be back in Minas Tirith.

The others, except Arwen, Eowyn, and me, were looking awe struck. It was a gorgeous morning, and the city truly was a sight. Even Starr couldn't ruin that.

We reached the gates several minutes later and were let in with questioning glances. I guess the wilderness changes you and we must not have looked familiar. Of course, those under the spell of Starr tend to have a three second attention span, at best. We made our way up to the top level. With each level we ascended, my excitement grew. This was going to be so good.

The guards were pretty much completely ineffective. They let ANYONE by. Once we got to the guards just before the top, however, we were stopped.

"What's your business?"

I grinned. This would be too easy.

I stepped forward with a hand pressed over my heart. "We are but travelers, weary with our long journey, come all this way to bask in the beauty that is Starr." I replied in a very dramatic, breathy tone. We were immediately let in.

Walking into the throne room, we saw the effect of Starr. Pink everywhere. And I mean EVERYWHERE. The strange thing was, it had a slightly unattended look to it. Several banners were sagging, and no one had rushed to fix them. We looked in front of us to see Aragorn sitting on the throne.

Arwen winced to see him in pink as well. But his pink cape had been flung on the ground and left in a careless manner. Upon getting closer, we realized his normal clothes could be seen underneath the atrocious ones. There was hope for him yet. Before we had a chance to address him, nonetheless, a very distraught-looking Legolas rushed into the room. He too was decked in pink, and even more so than Aragorn. It was going to be hard to break him.

"Aragorn, my friend! I do not know what's going on with me! I am having doubts about my relationship! What is wrong with me!"

Maybe not as hard as I thought.

We noticed Aragorn was also looking deeply troubled. "I know, my friend. I too am having uncertainties."

Arwen whispered something under her breath. It sounded suspiciously like a "Yess!"

"Both of our fair ladies have locked themselves in the room for the past two weeks!"

We must have looked funny standing there, all with evil grins on our faces.

When we were finally noticed, the grins all vanished so as not to seem suspicious. As if the two would have noticed. I think it just barely registered that the majority of our group was female.

Belgaer had a plan. Didn't she always? Amazing, that hobbit was.

"We are healers here from a different land. We received word of the troubles of fair Ladies Starr and Celeste and wish to aid them. We do believe we know what the trouble is." She curtsied.

In the back of our little group, Browne muttered to Deorwine. "Yes, narcissism."

He fought off laughter.

"Well, go to it!" said Aragorn anxiously. As we walked out, we heard him say to Legolas, "Perhaps our worries are merely from not being able to see them in so long."

I highly doubted that. I figured once they saw Starr and Celeste, de-Sueified, they would throw them off the highest level of the city.

We found the door easily enough—it was the one that said 'Starr and Celeste's room'. How original.

Eowyn tried the doorknob softly and it was indeed locked. We could hear the two Sues inside. Deorwine approached the door and plucked a hair pin out of Browne's hair. He straightened it and went to work, picking the lock. We heard a barely audible click and knew that he succeeded.

We inched the door open. The talking grew louder and we were able to hear the mangled speech.

"I honestlie dun know whut 2 do bout Leggie." Starr sighed despondently. There was no reply from Celeste, and we realized she had gone mute. There weren't only a few grins at that realization.

Browne took a small rock out of her shoe and chucked it into the room. It shattered the glass mirror on the other side. Both Sues jumped and whirled to see what happened. While their backs were turned, we snuck in and barricaded the door shut. The others ducked behind the bed while I remained at the door.

Starr shrugged and was about to return to her conversation that was basically with herself, when she spotted me. At first, her very few brain cells meant she wasn't able to recognize me. Nevertheless, after about ten minutes of staring at me and me smiling at her, somewhat strained, she ventured a guess.

"Saeriel?"

I nodded, still smiling.

She held a pillow over her face. "Dun look at ur poor mother! She iz a wreck!"

"That WAS the plan." I muttered. Apparently her hearing was still good.

"YOU did this!1 How! WHY!"

"I…I don't know…Ask them." I said smugly.

Arwen and Eowyn revealed themselves. It didn't take Starr quite so long to recognize them. She let out a little shriek. Celeste, who was looking pretty passive throughout this whole thing, suddenly looked terrified.

"I sent mah guards after u!" Starr raged, pointing at them with a shaking finger.

"If you thought three orcs would capture us, you're madder than I thought." Arwen replied icily. She failed to mention that they technically DID capture us, but then we escaped.

"No one locks us in a dungeon and steals our men." Eowyn added in, with a glare that would have made me wet myself. Starr was looking about reading to. I got a good look at her. Her normally perfect complexion was…well, not anymore. Her hair was limp and mousy and her figure was stick thin. Her chest no longer looked as if someone had inflated it. And her eyes were dirt brown colored. Celeste was in a similar state, except her hair was devoid of its usual shine and her eyes somewhat resembled the color 'puke green'. They were crossed and I swore she was drooling slightly.

Starr had a look in her eyes that maybe she thought she could take all of us, so Belgaer, Browne, Naurin, and Deorwine all stood up, looking particularly menacing.

We managed to circle around so that the door was free. We made it look like a simple mistake, when actually it was on purpose. Seeing the opportunity (after quite a while), Starr and Celeste made a break for it. They dumbly ran right into the throne room.

That's were it all fell apart.

For them, I mean, not for us. We ran in just after them, waiting for the chaos. Everyone froze and we waited with baited breath. Aragorn and Legolas just stared at Starr and Celeste, who were looked like they were mentally kicking themselves.

My darling brothers and sisters were standing frozen in a cluster near the throne.

It was quite breathtaking to watch the change that came over the two men. We hadn't realized how pale they had become under the spell. All the color came back to their cheeks and the glaze left their eyes. The pink clothes seemed to melt off their bodies, leaving them in their normal attire. That is, it could have melted off because of the burning rage that was their mood at this current time. Clearly they were remembering past escapades, and they were not looking too happy.

Starr ran out of the room, with her spawn and Celeste following, as various objects were forcibly chucked at them. Aragorn ordered several guards to catch them and put them in the dungeons until he decided what to do with them. It wasn't going to be pretty, whatever it was.

We let out a simultaneous cheer and hugged each other. We were finally noticed by the newly-recovered Aragorn and Legolas. Arwen and Aragorn's eyes met and she was in his arms in a second. He was apologizing so profusely it was quite hilarious, but she was silencing his apologies in a reassuring and loving tone.

Naurin let out an 'aww.'

Legolas watched the overly-decorative wedding band around melt away. "I knew the face of Starr, even as changed as it was, as well as Celeste, but who were those young ones."

With a knowing look, Eowyn nudged me forward. "You should be the one to break it to him." She murmured.

I stood next to him. "They were…" I began, wondering what his face was going to look like when he heard this. "They were…your children."

I know Elves are supposed to be light creatures, but he fell like ton of bricks. It was hilarious! Aragorn looked up, all the color gone from his face. "I don't have any, do I?"

Arwen laughed and shook her head.

"WAKE UP." I called into the unconscious Elf's ear. He jumped up with a start.

"Forgive me," he murmured, attempting to smooth his tunic. "I was just quite taken aback."

"Your father reacted quite differently when he found out." I added. This was too good!

He turned slightly green. "My father knows?"

I nodded. "Peace, he is not upset at you. But if I were Starr, I'd be watching my back…forever!"

He laughed, and then looked closely at me. "I knew inquired as to who you were…"

"I'm Seiryu."

"A friend of Arwen and Eowyn's?"

"You could say that…but I'm also…" I hesitated. My heart was thumping painfully hard then. I think I was afraid he would…disown me, or something. "Apparently, I'm also…your daughter…"

His eyes widened significantly.

"But we're not really sure, I mean, you know what a tramp Starr is, my father could have been ANYONE! And I'm old enough to take care of myself, so you don't have to worry about supporting me. I don't want you to be burdened, I mean honestly you don't even have to acknowledge me as your daughter—"

He put a hand over my mouth to cease my ramblings. "I have no intention of doing any of those things. Do not trouble yourself. You are my daughter—"

"Most likely," I mumbled through his hand.

"And I will support you and take care of you."

I sighed with relief. I was just glad he didn't faint again.

Applause suddenly filled the room. The group of us looked over to see quite a sight. There in the doorway stood Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Galadriel, Haldir, Celeborn, Thranduil, and Eomer. There were various people, elves, and hobbits from all the places we had been. Gimli was there, leaning on his axe and holding a jar that contained the Fairy Sue, completely devoid of her magic. It seemed even Gandalf had appeared to see this joyous occasion. And I'm not talking the father-daughter reunion, I'm talking the downfall of the Sues!

What a historic day. I do not think any shall soon forget it.

**TBC...**


	21. Baby On Board

Don't expect this chapter to be as funny, because I'm trying to tie up some loose ends….

Chapter 21: Baby on Board

Someone was shaking my shoulders. I groaned and pulled the pillow over my head. "No! No more walking!" Then I stopped. Since when did we have pillows this soft during the quest? I pulled it off my head and blinked at Belgaer, who was next to my bed, laughing at me.

"Silly! We're in Minas Tirith!"

You would think that the events of that previous morning wouldn't be something I would easily forget. But, then again…

I sat up quite quickly. "I had completely forgotte—woah, head rush!" I fought off the dizziness as my heart swelled. No more walking for days on end and camping out on the cold, hard ground. No more having to persuade people!

I was so happy, I could've cried. But I figured that would be a bit too Sueish. While we were on the road, Arwen, Eowyn, and Browne had been teaching me and the rest a bit more about Sues. Apparently there are different kinds other than my mother.

That was a scary thought, let me tell you! I didn't want to worry about having to deal with Angtsy Sues, Hyper Sues, not to mention Fangirl Sues!

I slid out of bed and shrugged into my clothes. We chatted while I threw my hair up quickly to keep it out of my face. Suddenly the door banged open and there stood Naurin. She looked rather disheveled, like she had just run up here from the dungeons.

My head snapped up at the sound and we stared at her.

"I just came from the dungeons!"

Who's good?

She must have run fast to be a disheveled Elf.

"What? What!" Belgaer exclaimed. "What happened?"

My blood ran cold. "Starr didn't escape, did she?" I put forward nervously.

"No! Her baby—she's having it now!"

"What!" I yelled. "She wasn't even showing when we saw her yesterday!"

Eowyn appeared at the door. "Do you think a Sue, who's obsessed with her weight and appearance, would allow herself to have a large stomach?"

"So she used her last bit of magic to keep herself from looking pregnant?" I rolled my eyes. Who does that?

Several maids rushed by. Clearly we weren't forcing Starr to suffer a natural childbirth without herbs to dull the pain. Arwen stopped in front of the door and motioned for us to follow. We made our way quickly down to the dungeons. The members of the Fellowship and all the guests who had arrived the day before were already down there.

Legolas was there, with a look on his face that clearly said he was only there because of a sense of duty.

Throughout the whole procedure, I definitely couldn't look. I gained a new respect for the healers. I did believe that Starr was exaggerating her screaming a bit, however. She made my ears bleed.

Then something happened that surprised me. Once the baby was born, it was immediately taken away from its mother. One lady-in-waiting wrapped the little girl in a soft blanket and…deposited her in my arms. My arms! Me!

I must have looked quite confused, because Arwen laid a hand on my shoulder and explained. "We decided to keep the child away from her mother, so she will not have to be rehabilitated like her other siblings."

That is what I haven't mentioned yet—my twelve or so other siblings were going through extensive rehabilitation to lose their Sue- and Stu-ness. Eowyn was running that, with help from Browne. Let's just say I was glad they weren't disciplining ME. Some of the younger ones have made some real progress. Nelledeighdettakyna, however, they felt was a lost cause.

I stood there, gaping slightly, at the tiny infant in my arms. Sweet Eru, what do I know about raising children?

"As her only truly normal sister, we wanted you to have a hand in bringing her up. I will, of course, be there to help you every step of the way." Legolas added. I smiled gratefully at him.

Now that that was over, it was time to begin planning for the wedding. Elrond had appeared some time that night, and performed a ceremony to annul the marriages of Starr and Celeste to Legolas and Aragorn. Since they were under spells, it was perfectly all right to "pretend this never happened," to quote Elrond. Thranduil could be seen nodding vigorously in the background. Legolas took custody of me and the baby, who we decided to name Laineth, meaning "freed." It certainly seemed fitting.

King Elessar could often be seen running haggardly around the castle, with a slight maniacal glint in his eye. For he was stressing over the wedding, but he was also trying to come up with what to do with Starr.

He decided on a temporary punishment until he could come up with something more devious: Legolas took a daily stroll by the jail cell she was in, occasionally shirtless. He thought at first that it would be undignified to flaunt and expose himself in such a way, but after he did it once, he realized it was just plain funny! Starr screamed as if she were being tortured and ran repeatedly into the jail bars to try and get at him. We didn't allow her to do this until after the child was born, so she wouldn't injure it.

As for Laineth, she was doing well. I could tell she wasn't going to end up like her mother. Luckily, Belgaer was amazing with children, and helped coach me through a lot of the routines I would have to become familiar with.

Several weeks later was the wedding. That bears looking into, so I'll go into more detail about what happened.

I walked into a random room one morning, only to stumble on the wedding-dress fitting of Arwen. By the Valar, she looked stunning!

I let out a low whistle. "That's right, the weddings in two days, huh?" It was more of me thinking out loud, but Arwen, being an Elf, heard it. Her face paled significantly.

"I am so nervous, I feel as if I shall explode!"

It was weird to see the same person who fought orcs so viciously be anxious over a WEDDING. But, then again, I have never been married, so I wouldn't know.

Two stressful (for other people, not me) days passed, and the morning of the wedding dawned clear. I was involved in the ceremony, as well Eowyn, Belgaer, Browne, Naurin, Deorwine, and the Fellowship members. And of course, Aragorn. But if you thought he was back in his room sleeping during his wedding, you should just stop reading now.

The ceremony was beautiful, and quite a bit different from what I expected. I held Laineth, in her cute little dress, as she cooed and clapped her little hands. How surreal that whole adventure was. I met so many wonderful people, and really learned to be myself and not try to follow in the footsteps of my mother or siblings. I would like to think that I matured, but I was not so sure…

Seeing the wedding, and knowing that Faramir and Eowyn's wasn't far off, made me feel kinda lonely. But I was one of those people who was more than likely not going to find someone to marry, and I was alright with that. Deorwine caught my eye across the banquet hall as Legolas wrapped an arm around my shoulder, planted a kiss on Laineth's forehead, and walked with me out of the room. Belgaer and Browne give me a little wave, and Naurin nods at me with a smile.

It felt so good to have finally found a family; people who accepted me for the way I was.

And for that, I was lucky.

The End

Stay tuned, there's still an epilogue on the way!


	22. Epilogue

Epilogue

The 16-year-old girl brushed off a dusty old book and sneezed.

"What is it you have there, Lainwen?" asked a sandy-haired young boy.

"My mother told me to look for this in the attic. She said she wanted to read it."

"Yes, but what is it?"

"It's the diary, of my mother's older sister."

"Who would want to reread that?" laughed the boy.

"Oh no!" Lainwen sighed, hugging the book to her chest. "She lived such an exciting life!" She opened to the last page, which was written by Laineth, and read aloud:

"Starr and Celeste were sentenced to death by paper cuts. When asked what made him chose this fate, King Elessar said that he wasn't quite sure why, but it seemed strangely fitting to him. There was a great parade that day, and much celebrating in Arda as a whole.

"Seiryu lived in Minas Tirith until the passing of the King and Queen. Then her father, Prince Legolas, sailed to Valinor with Gimli son of Gloin. She was invited along, but wished more strongly to stay in Arda. Belgaer went back to the Shire with the hobbits, while Browne accompanied Naurin back to Lothlorien, wishing to stay there for a while before going back to Mirkwood. Seiryu and Laineth went to Rohan with Eomer and Deorwine. Two years later, Seiryu and Deorwine were married.

"Laineth grew up on horseback, and when she was older, married a horse breeder. They had two children. Laineth had her first child very late in her life, a daughter named Lainwen, soon followed by another daughter, Meluivain.

"Seiryu and Deorwine often took long trips to visit various places, also leaving and returning at the most unexpected times. They had one child—a son named Faelon. He loved to read as much as his father.

"Seiryu died at the age of 86, after a long and happy life. Deorwine died a year later. Those who knew Seiryu, and who were still on these shores, will sorely miss her, for she knows not the part she played in freeing this world from a dark and terrible power."

"Wow!" the young boy exclaimed. "She sounds really neat! Can I read that diary? Can I? Can I? Please!"

The girl let out a laugh. "This from the boy who scoffed at rereading a diary!" she shooed him out of the door and followed after him. With one look down at the book in her hands, she shut the door and went to find her mother.

THE END.

And that's that. It's over. Thank you to everyone who read this story, you can't imagine how much I appreciated it. Thank you all.


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